Ahmadinejad Repels Un Using Courgette

THE president of Iran last night fought off an angry United Nations General Assembly using nothing but a medium sized courgette.

The UN turned on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad shortly after he accused Legally Blonde star Reese Witherspoon of orchestrating the 9-11 terror attacks, forcing him to pull out his favourite nine-incher.

As the global body snarled at the controversial leader, he brandished the courgette shouting: “Back! Back! Everybody be cool.”

The UN then went silent for a moment before the Peruvian ambassador lunged at Ahmadinejad, forcing the Iranian to throw his courgette at the assailant’s head, striking him squarely between the eyes and knocking him out cold.

The rest of the terrified General Assembly then crowded into the corner of the hall, while Ahmadinejad picked up his courgette, pretended to throw it one more time and then ran from the room, waving the summer squash above his head.

He said last night: “I am living in dangerous times so I always carry a fresh courgette with me wherever I go.

“It is not picked up by the security x-rays or metal detectors but, as I was being forced to demonstrate tonight, it is potentially deadly.

“I grew this courgette for only peaceful, civilian purposes, but I tell you now – if you make me I will bury the Israelites under a mountain of courgettes. And maybe an aubergine.

“And don’t think I can’t. Half a dozen courgette plants and by mid August you’re awash with the bloody things. I make fritters and a slightly different version of moussaka, but inevitably I end up giving loads away to friends. I refuse to throw them out. It’s such a total waste.”

He added: “Did you know that Reese Witherspoon also started the Great Fire of London?”


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Ferguson Sends Photo Of Arse To Scunthorpe Match

SIR Alex Ferguson has been accused of disrespecting the Carling Cup after installing a framed photo of his buttocks on the Manchester United bench.

The manager was absent from the game against Scunthorpe, claiming he had 3.2 million other things to do that were more important to him, including watching a fascinating programme on healing crystals on the Shopping Channel and getting his copy of No Limits signed by 2 Unlimited’s Anita Dels.

Ferguson will also have to answer to the FA if he goes through with plans to send his unflushed toilet in his stead for the next round.

After Scunthorpe’s 5-2 defeat, caretaker manager Ian Baraclough said: “We were essentially limited to one side of the pitch as none of the lads wanted to go near that hairy, saggy pair of angry shitbumpers.

“When I first walked onto the pitch I thought somebody had plonked a couple of disembodied beer bellies next to O’ Shea but when I realised what it actually was I ended up missing the first 15 minutes of the game as I was vomiting into my own hands.”

Ferguson has repeatedly ignored areas of managerial responsibility, angering the BBC by sending Mike Phelan to conduct interviews while wearing a t-shirt with a crudely-drawn cartoon of Gary Lineker being sexually humiliated by a horse.

Meanwhile Liverpool could face FA sanctions by firing Roy Hodgson into space before their next game.

After being dumped out of the Carling Cup by a 1972 Panini football sticker of Gary Sprake, the club are beginning to feel that their success is exponentially improved by the pensioner’s distance from the players.

Hodgson said: “I was on the phone to my grandson, telling him about how my move up north has played hell with my downstairs motions, when I heard all this kerfuffle and it turned out we’d been beaten by some very polite young men from Northampton.

“This morning, the chairman has asked how much I weigh for some reason. Are we going on a charabanc?”