THE president of Iran last night fought off an angry United Nations General Assembly using nothing but a medium sized courgette.
The UN turned on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad shortly after he accused Legally Blonde star Reese Witherspoon of orchestrating the 9-11 terror attacks, forcing him to pull out his favourite nine-incher.
As the global body snarled at the controversial leader, he brandished the courgette shouting: “Back! Back! Everybody be cool.”
The UN then went silent for a moment before the Peruvian ambassador lunged at Ahmadinejad, forcing the Iranian to throw his courgette at the assailant’s head, striking him squarely between the eyes and knocking him out cold.
The rest of the terrified General Assembly then crowded into the corner of the hall, while Ahmadinejad picked up his courgette, pretended to throw it one more time and then ran from the room, waving the summer squash above his head.
He said last night: “I am living in dangerous times so I always carry a fresh courgette with me wherever I go.
“It is not picked up by the security x-rays or metal detectors but, as I was being forced to demonstrate tonight, it is potentially deadly.
“I grew this courgette for only peaceful, civilian purposes, but I tell you now – if you make me I will bury the Israelites under a mountain of courgettes. And maybe an aubergine.
“And don’t think I can’t. Half a dozen courgette plants and by mid August you’re awash with the bloody things. I make fritters and a slightly different version of moussaka, but inevitably I end up giving loads away to friends. I refuse to throw them out. It’s such a total waste.”
He added: “Did you know that Reese Witherspoon also started the Great Fire of London?”