Arm everyone with machine guns, say unspeakable bastards

EVERY American should be given an automatic weapon, according to the country’s bastard pieces of shit.

Gun control activists and right-wing politicians responded to America’s latest massacre by being their usual horrific selves.

Republicans reckoned the absolute best thing was for America to have even more guns and then refused to admit they were festering turds who should be made to say sorry forever.

Meanwhile the NRA insisted it was gun control supporters who had ‘blood on their hands’ in a move psychiatrists said was either pathologically sadistic or some form of Tourettes Syndrome.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Nope, they really are just horrendous bastards who drink from an open sewer and then breathe it over everyone.”

He added: “I like it when they argue they need assault weapons to protect themselves from the ‘tyranny of their own government’.

“The American government has aircraft carriers. Good luck with that.”

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Facebook 'needier than a newborn baby that's just shat itself', say experts

FACEBOOK’S incessant notifications and requests have made it more demanding than a baby that has just soiled itself, experts have confirmed.

Researchers discovered the social network’s constant cries for attention make tiny children seem like elderly men who want to be left alone in a shed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “With a baby, there are a finite number of demands – food, a nappy change, touch, and so on – often leading to a period of calm once they have been met.

“With Facebook, however, the demands are insatiable. It even screams at you until you wish a happy birthday to someone who is, essentially, a stranger.”

Researchers experimented with deleting the app and logging in occasionally, but this was found to spark severe tantrums and passive-aggressive messages.

Professor Brubaker added: “All this seems solely designed to create FOMO and the depressing realisation that you are just getting fatter and fatter.”