Assange to hand himself in after realising he only had Adam Sandler films left to watch

JULIAN Assange is to hand himself over to US officials after watching every film that doesn’t feature Adam Sandler.

Assange said that he will finally leave the Ecuadorian embassy due to a lack of tolerable film entertainment.

A source said: “He’s watched everything there is to watch. Russian pre-war cinema, Italian neo-realism and every Bollywood film ever made.

“Julian was facing an evening with Jack and Jill or I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry so he said it was time to call ‘the feds’.”

Assange later tweeted that even if the Americans give him 20 years in prison it would be a small price to pay to avoid Grown Ups 2.

The source said: “Obviously he runs the risk of getting sent to a prison where they have a weekly film night that’s just Adam Sandler films, because the warden is a sadist.”


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Woman still posting those pukey Facebook messages

A WOMAN is continuing to share ‘inspirational’ Facebook memes long after everyone else decided they were cliched drivel, it has emerged.

Office administrator Donna Sheridan, 42, still believes in the power of trite garbage about friendship, family and believing in yourself.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Yesterday it was ‘A house is built with bricks, but a home is built with love.’ People were getting sick of this shit in the 1990s when it was still a novelty to have photographs on your computer.

“You’d think ‘Be a unicorn in a field of horses’ would make you want to vomit whatever year it was.”

Sheridan said: “On a slow day at work I can put up as many as 20 inspirational Facebook messages featuring rainbows, babies and Snoopy. That’s a lot of joy I’ve brought into people’s lives.

“I’m sure people read things like ‘Be yourself – because everyone else is taken!’ and enjoy having something deep and philosophical to think about.

“Some messages, such as ‘I like my best friend so much I married him!’, are more aspirational than literally true because my husband is a fucking bastard.”