London friend wants to know if you're free in 10 weeks' time

A FRIEND from London has asked you to let her know by this afternoon if you are free for a drink in two-and-a-half months.

Helen Archer, who does something important like marketing, has also informed you that if you cannot do that, she could do late the next month or three months later, but warned that the diary was filling up.

Archer said: “This weekend is Sarah’s birthday, then I’ve got that mini-break to Lisbon, then we’re taking the cat in for its check-up, then it’s Emma’s birthday.

“Then I’ve got a team-building weekend in Dorset, then it’s Samantha’s wedding, then it’s other Sarah’s hen party.

“I could maybe squeeze you in on September 23, but we’d have to be done by half-seven because I’m going to the theatre with my friends who like going to the theatre.”

Archer promised that she would definitely not cancel on you this time, even though she had an important project deadline that week that would involve her working even harder than usual, not to mention Beth’s engagement drinks and Jemma’s housewarming.

She also asked if you could please check if you were free in October next year to see her get married to a man who does something important involving tax law.




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Sexy posh girls unveil bullshit fad diet

TWO hot, incredibly annoying posh girls have unveiled the latest bullshit fad diet.

Daisy and Sparks de Crouton, who are sisters but also seem to fancy each other, made up some nonsense in about 20 minutes then immediately got a publishing deal for their book Yum-Fresh Diet.

Sparks said: “It’s a lovely yummy book of all the things we like to eat while sitting in massive windows with our jumpers pulled down to our knees.

“We used to be a right pair of heifers before discovering the Yum-Munch lifestyle, which involves just eating lemons six days a week, then having one day when you eat shitloads of cake.

“You can get any extra nutrients by sucking the paint off a toy car. It’s science.”

Daisy said: “Sometimes you wake up and amble semi-naked into your massive farmhouse kitchen and can’t work out what to eat because the cupboards are so stuffed with delicious Waitrose goodies and even posher things bought from ‘food halls’.

“The answer is lemons, processed in some incredibly expensive piece of hardware made by our friend Detmar’s company HealthZap.

“There are lots of pictures of us in the book being snuggly and cosy. We feel really blessed.”