Assault weapons are very handy, says US gun lobby

MILITARY-STYLE assault rifles have many practical applications for the perfectly sane, it has been claimed.

As America mourns the victims of Sandy Hook, pro-firearm campaigners in the US have warned against tighter controls on so-called ‘assault weapons’, highlighting the sheer usefulness of semi-automatic artillery.

Mother-of-three Emma Bradford said: “We have a big yard so when it’s time to call the family in for meals I fire a burst of rounds into the air, it’s sort of like a ‘dinner gong’ but with bullets.

“If my gun weren’t semi-auto I’d have to reload between shots – more like a succession of single rounds – which would be ineffective because it could be mistaken for a car backfiring.

“However I do think America needs to reform its mental health laws. This obviously would not affect sane people like me.”

Texas office worker Tom Logan said: “I use my assault rifle to re-heat coffee. After firing a number of rounds into a wall the barrel gets very hot, and then I hold my mug against it.

“If you want to take my warm mug away you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”

Huntsman and NRA member Budd Hobbs said: “Normal guns are fine for deer but I’m actually after the Jersey Devil, a sort of bear/bat/wolf hybrid from popular American mythology.

“When that mythical chimera is charging at me I won’t have time to reload. So if they found my bloodstained boots next to some massive three-toed footprints, it’d be those peacenik Democrats to blame.

“You can’t argue with that logic, can you? Especially as I’ve got an assault weapon.”

 

 

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Arm teachers, say unspeakable pieces of shit

TEACHERS should be given assault rifles, America’s bastard pieces of shit said last night.

Right-wing Republicans responded to the country’s latest and most heart-breaking massacre by being their usual horrific fucking selves.

Texas Congressman Louis Gomhert reckoned the absolute best thing he could say was that the teachers should have been armed, but then refused to admit he was a festering turd who should be made to say sorry forever.

And Larry Pratt, head of the Gun Owners of America, insisted it was gun control supporters who had ‘little children’s blood on their hands’ in a move psychiatrists said was either pathologically sadistic or some kind of Tourettes Syndrome.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Don’t let them off the hook with talk of ‘mental illness’.

“They really are just horrendous bastards who drink from an open sewer and then breathe it over everyone.”

He added: “I like it when they argue they need assault weapons to protect themselves from the ‘tyranny of their own government’. The American government has aircraft carriers. Good luck wth that”