Sunday, 8th December 2019

At least we're only on fire metaphorically, Johnson reassures UK

THE prime minister has reassured Britain that, unlike Brazil, it is only burning to ash as a nation in a figurative sense. 

Boris Johnson has distanced himself from fellow right-wing populist liar President Bolsonaro by clarifying that while he is torching the UK for his own short-term political gain, it is so far only metaphorical.

He continued: “Yes, I am an arsonist. But my bonfire of Britain’s traditions, laws and institutions is not physical yet.

“This autumn, when losing a vote of no confidence, I plan to burn down Parliament by ignoring conventions, refusing to resign and scheduling an election after a no-deal Brexit.

“That no-deal Brexit will itself set light to the oil-soaked kindling of our country, with our combustible faith in politics, relations with Europe and trust in one another going up in smoke.

“But not until the late November food and medicine riots, which will see major cities ablaze, will the flames be actually real. And that’s my promise to Britain.”