CONVERSATIONS with Her Majesty are usually strictly private. But in her meeting with President Biden she asked for these nuggets about his dickhead predecessor to be revealed:
When he ate soup with a fork
During a state banquet Trump spent ten minutes eating pea soup with a dessert fork while the Queen looked on, shaking with suppressed laughter. After realising his mistake he switched to a knife.
When he pissed in a Buckingham Palace laundry closet
Ignoring directions to the loo, Trump opened a cupboard full of clean, fresh white towels and just unzipped and let go. He then wiped his hands on a towel and barked at Prince Edward to ‘get that cleaned up’ before continuing to eat asparagus spears with his fingers.
When he wrecked her lawn with a helicopter
Visitors usually arrive at Buckingham Palace by car because there’s a main road right outside. Trump rocked up in a helicopter and left oil marks and craters on the bowling green. He promised to pay for all damages then didn’t.
When he hit on Princess Anne
That video of Princess Anne backing away from greeting the small-handed prick makes even more sense when you learn that he made a pass at her. The press didn’t read anything into Anne’s recoiling horror because that’s typical when meeting Trump.
When he fed the corgis chocolate
Gifts for hosts grease the wheels of diplomatic relations, unless you’re feeding a half-melted Hershey bar to the Queen’s pedigree corgis while saying ‘They love real American chocolate, huh? Huh?’
When he stood in the wrong place all the f**king time
The film of him drifting about like a drunk toddler while inspecting the royal guard doesn’t even scratch the surface. During photos with the Queen he would plonk himself right in front of her like an idiot bodyguard, and would have to be shifted by the same palace handlers charged with removing Prince Andrew from public.