Australia Goes All Nancy

AUSTRALIA suddenly went all nancy last night after a chef said a dirty word on television.

The country, which has built a worldwide reputation for nauseating vulgarity, came over all delicate and had to lie down following Gordon Ramsay's latest use of the word 'fuck'.

Senator Cory Bernardi told the Australian parliament: "Mother and I had just watched a fascinating documentary about butterflies.

"I was changing channels, looking for Little House on the Prairie, when I came across this dirty foul-mouthed brute.

"I said to mother, I said, 'don't you listen to him dear, he's a filthy boy and he'll have to answer to Jesus'.

"Poor mother – I had to make a fresh pot of tea otherwise she'd have fainted dead away."

Senator Bernardi then loosened his trousers, broke wind and urinated onto the back of prime minister Kevin Rudd's head.

It is the first time the issue of swearing on television has been raised in the Australian parliament since the infamous 'c**t' episode of The Sullivans in 1979.

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Foot Collectors Flock To Canada Shoreline

EAGER foot collectors are setting up camp on the beaches near Vancouver, amid talk of a new Canadian 'foot rush'.

Not since the 1890s have so many feet been washed ashore in the Pacific north west and now speculators are cashing in on the disembodied foot bonanza.

Sitting among more than a dozen bin liners filled with feet, Wayne Hayes from Oregon, said: "It's not just the quantity, it's the quality. I'll get at least $30 for some of these feet."

He added: "For the first time in a decade, I've got a real chance of finding a matching pair."

Tom Logan, who travelled 2500 miles from Kentucky to stake his claim, said: "Look at that bastard Hayes, sittin' there thinking he's the King o' Feet.

"What he don't know is I gots me a real nice foot in a bright red slingback that still got its ankle bracelet. Hee hee hee."

Fortunes were built on the great Canadian Foot Rush of 1896, when brave, desperate men would battle their way across the Rocky Mountains to grab as many feet as they could from the wild Pacific shoreline.

The experience was captured by Jack London in a series of classic tales including, White Fang, Call of the Wild and A Wagon Full of Feet.

Meanwhile, authorities in British Columbia, baffled by the source of the foot rush, are urging local citizens to count their feet and seek medical advice if they have less than two.