Millions Save Money With Carlsberg Draughtmaster™

RETAIL sales rose to record levels last month as consumers spent millions of pounds on money saving devices.

With recession looming shoppers across Britain have been stocking up on emergency supplies of hi-tech gadgets, guaranteed to pay for themselves.

Julian Cook, a trainee accountant from Clapham, said his new Carlsberg Draughtmaster™ would deliver the full experience of being in a pub, but with huge cost savings.

"I picked this up for just £114, which is nothing compared to the cost of a medium-sized pub."

"The five-litre refill keg only costs £14. That’s less than £1.50 a pint. If you can get a cold beer in the house for less, I'll eat my new R2-D2 espresso maker."

He added: "You do have to chill the keg for 24 hours, so I keep a few cans in the fridge just in case. But I can pick them up at Asda for 75p a pop."

Katie Wilson, an out of work estate agent, said she was saving money with a £125 novelty smoothie maker by the Italian designer Alessi.

She said: "As soon as I lost my job I spent £15 on a book about saving money. The first thing it said was 'stop buying things you don't need'. The second thing it said was 'make your own smoothies'.

"I'm very aware of the constant threat of scurvy and pulped fruit is a hugely important part of my life. That's why I bought a smoothie maker with funny little feet and a jaunty hat."  

Wilson added: "I’ve also bought a breadmaker, it's fantastic. I’ve not actually switched it on yet, but as soon as wheat hits $250 a tonne I'm going to crank that baby up, I swear to god."

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Lesbians Doing It Wrong, Claim Docs

AN increase in health complaints among lesbians suggests they may be doing it wrong, the British Medical Association said last night.

A national survey revealed many lesbians are not seeking medical advice as they believe doctors are frightened of them and will immediately call the police or fire brigade.

But the BMA dismissed claims that lesbian health problems are ignored by the NHS, insisting common complaints, such as dungaree burn, are often mistaken for non-lesbian conditions.

A BMA spokesman said: "Lesbianism is a tricky business. It takes skill and unfortunately too many women are still falling off half way through.

"Meanwhile many lesbians are reluctant to reveal the cause of their injury, fearing they will be inundated with demands for photos and graphic descriptions of what they were up to.

"This means if a woman comes into casualty with a sprained ankle, claiming she broke a heel, we'll take her at face value, rather than assume she's just fallen off a great big lesbian."

He added: "As for lesbian sexually transmitted diseases, we're not 100% sure how that happens.

"All we can advise is that you keep those sorts of things in the fridge."