BBC unfairly edited lengthy lunatic off-topic diatribes out of Trump speeches

THE BBC has been accused of artistic savagery by editing out various rambling, irrelevant asides from Trump speeches even though they are his very essence. 

Critics believe that by cutting a seven-minute digression about the actress Kristen Stewart from a speech supposedly about defence policy, Panorama has ‘butchered the very soul’ of a ‘magnificent, surreal, expressionist and moving’ address.

Denys Finch Hatton, gallery curator and Dadaist, said: “To you they may be unconnected, incoherent rambles. But to his audience, they are the purest form of his art.

“When he veers off to discuss appearing on the last Oprah Winfrey show in a speech at the Capitol – a claim both untrue and not in the least germane – he is summoning the spirit of Beckett. He is asserting the meaninglessness of language itself.

“In making his speeches impossible to follow, in packing them with statements manifestly false, in claiming gasoline prices have fallen by 20,000 per cent he turns even numbers into dust.

“Cherry-picking statements that could be viewed as ‘political’ and stringing them together to make a ‘logical statement’ is a crime against Trump’s genius. The BBC must resign.”

He added: “Oddly, I’m not sure all of his supporters actually get what he’s doing. Somehow they seem to be taking him seriously.”

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Bet this'll distract from my rental scandal, says Reeves

RACHEL Reeves has decided that a programme of massive tax rises is the best way to distract Britain from her renting a home without a licence. 

The chancellor has diverted attention from last week’s scandal by announcing coming taxation increases which will affect every family in Britain, breaking Labour’s manifesto promises and dominating headlines for months to come.

She said: “Look what nobody’s talking about all of a sudden. And people say we’re bad at politics.

“Pop a penny on income tax – not that I’ve said what taxes are going up, I thought I’d let that be a fun little game – and they’ll still be talking about it at the next election when this rental business is long forgotten.

“Tomorrow morning this will be all over the front pages and that other business? Nowhere to be seen. They’ll remember me as the chancellor who raised taxes in the middle of a growth and cost-of-living crisis, and that won’t even be a footnote.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Political genius. From now on, the rental scandal is me not being able to afford my rent.

“Oh, and I know we’re meant to be all ‘don’t raise taxes on pensioners, keep the triple lock at all costs’? F**k that. Bleed the f**kers dry. I need to live.”