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Nipple-sucking during sex actually quite odd

SUCKLING at a woman’s nipple while making love, long accepted as a normal bedroom activity, is weird when you think about it according to sexual health experts. 

Researchers found that despite the popularity of placing a nipple in your mouth during sex, it essentially involves one party pretending to be a very hungry baby during a very adult situation.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Bit Freudian, no? Especially as the last tit a man sucked before his first girlfriend belonged to, well, you know.

“It’s an odd mix of erotic enthusiasm and latching. Even stranger when you look up and make eye contact with her, face buried in boob, and you both realise you’re enthusiastically engaging with her mammaries like it’s lunchtime at nursery.

“Seems it’s one more psychologically loaded sexual practice we don’t want to analyse too closely, like saying ‘do me, daddy’. You’d have to guess the first man to hear that swallowed some serious qualms before banging away.”

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 38 and 36DD, said: “Men find it nurturing, I guess. It’s just tricky for us ladies to stay aroused when we’re being treated like a dairy cow.”

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Raised eyebrow to cardiac arrest: how shocked are you that Brexit failing isn't Brexiters' fault?

NIGEL Farage has rightly pointed out that Brexit opportunities have been ‘squandered’ and Brexiters are in no way responsible. How shocked are you by these undeniable truths? 

Raised eyebrow

If a brilliant policy like Brexit failed it could only ever be other people’s fault, and it was obvious the liberal elite would attempt a stitch-up. How did Brexit ever have a chance when such powerful forces were ranged against it as Jo Swinson and a former footballer who wielded almost limitless power in his role hosting Match of the Day?

Saddened, but not surprised

Of course Brexiters weren’t to blame. They’d studied the pros and cons of leaving the EU in depth, using unbiased research tools like Facebook and consulting experts in the pub. And not one of them was racist. The truth is that when something goes wrong people look for scapegoats, and that, sadly, is what has happened with Brexiters and Brexit.

Struggling to get your head round it

Even as a Brexiter you admit there were problems with Brexit. Perhaps you shouldn’t have trusted Boris Johnson. Maybe the promise of £350 million a week for the NHS should have been interrogated. Deliberately making it hard to trade with all our closest neighbours was – arguably – f**king stupid. But those were minor issues. Its failure remains a mystery.

Totally gobsmacked

You don’t understand how the Will of the People could be thwarted. That’s definitely a thing and how we won World War II. And Brexit was basically WWII part two: plucky Brits fighting enslavement by our despised enemies the French, Germans and Spanish. Why didn’t we win this time? Is it because the young are all weak? That’ll be it.

Shaking uncontrollably

With rage, because the only reason Brexit failed was the treachery of your fellow countrymen. Your sacrifices – walking to the polling station, trolling online – brought Remoaners countless benefits like blue passports and… other things, but they sabotaged Brexit regardless. Farage needs to add mass public hangings to Reform’s manifesto.

Cardiac arrest

Of course Remainers are to blame! It’s a f**king outrage to suggest Brexiters, or five years of Brexiter government led by a Brexiter, are responsible! You’re so angry your heart is beating erratically and you’ll soon be further enraged by a BBC presenter not wearing a poppy in a repeat from April 2023. You won’t see Christmas. Not that you’re allowed to call it that anymore.

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