Be ready for a nasty shock, US and Britain tell Ireland

THE UK and US have wished Ireland good luck on its abortion referendum, but warned the country it may find out who it really is.

Joseph Turner, from Southport, said: “I really hope it goes well for you. Shows you as a modern, forward-thinking country, all that bollocks.

“But you know all those people you think you’ve moved on from, who you laugh at, whose outdated values make you shake your head in disbelief? Yeah?

“They are very much still around.”

New Yorker Carolyn Ryan added: “We had one of those votes between the future and the past, a real what-kind-of-nation-are-we thing.

“Did not turn out as one might have hoped.”

Tom Logan, from Cork, said: “We’re going to fuck it up, aren’t we? It’s like Galway Girl going to number one all over again.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Which dreadful personality type are you?

Are you obsessed with knowing what your personality type is and then telling people about it? You probably come under the category of ‘self-absorbed arse’. But what are the five other main personality types?

Do you have a chip on your shoulder the size of Leeds? Do you feel superior to everyone else because you were born quite near Leeds? You have a deeply entrenched ‘Northern’ personality that will only get worse as you age. Thanks for that.

Do you have unwarranted self-confidence? A passion for animals, apart from the ones you kill? Do you call your evening meal ‘supper’, even though that actually means cheese on toast at around 9pm? You also wear a pink shirt with the collar turned up, don’t you? Everyone, including you, wants you to pack it in.

Incredibly dull
Did you know that 92.6% of the population have a mind-numbingly dull personality type? If you found that interesting, then you’re one of them. Also, you’re really into Peaky Blinders.

Can’t-quite-put-your-finger-on-it weird
You are subtly odd, but other people aren’t quite sure why. Are you just a harmless introvert with a secret collection of lizards? Or are you a serial pervert? Nobody wants to find out – except, perhaps, the police.

A fucker
Do you let your kids act like little bastards in public places? Do you constantly quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Do you own an Audi TT? Do you have conversations about supermarkets? You are a fucker.