GDPR emails told to chill the f**k out

DESPERATE GDPR emails telling people ‘their time is up’ and ‘they must take action now’ have been told to calm the fuck down.

Gary Booker from London said: “At first I was quite chuffed that these guys really wanted to ‘keep in touch’ with me but then it all got a bit weird.

“I have been told I was going to miss out, my time is running out, I will never be contacted again and that this was my last chance.

“Then they sent a photo of me in the shower this morning.”

He added: “They need to accept that if I want to read their privacy policy wank-fest, I will do it in my own time. But I probably won’t because I don’t actually give a shit.

“It’s like having an annoying girlfriend who keeps texting you with ‘?’ or ‘are you there, hun?’ until you reply.”

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Meghan to spend six months learning how to wave

THE Duchess of Sussex is to be taught how to be an ‘effective royal’ by learning how to wave correctly.

The Queen’s assistant private secretary Samantha Cohen is firmly convinced that, for example, it is possible to wave at the public from a passing carriage ‘badly’ and is desperate to show Meghan ‘the right way’.

A palace insider said: “An ‘effective royal’ is a contradiction in terms. An ‘ineffective royal’ is an oxymoron.

“The public might think there’s a difference between the ones who turn up at events smartly dressed and the likes of, say, Prince Edward, but he does all that too. It’s just nobody turns up or cares.

“To be royal all you have to do is be royal. It’s like, how much better can you be at cutting a ribbon? There’s a ceiling on the skill. And it’s low.”