Big wall f*cked

A MAN’s plan to build a big, stupid wall is fucked.

The man had hoped to build a ‘a big, beautiful wall’ along the southern border of his country but that is not going to happen now after lots of people in his country told him it was a really horrible, idiotic thing to do.

The man is understood to be planning some other horrible, stupid things that almost certainly will not happen either.

The man is very angry and sad about not being able to build his big, stupid wall.

Experts said that will make a lot of people very happy.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man either outraged there aren't dog poppies or outraged no dogs are wearing them

A BRITISH patriot is offended there are not poppies for dogs or offended that no dogs are wearing them, whichever should turn out to be the case.

Stephen Malley admits he has not had time to find out yet, but either way it makes him ‘ashamed of what has become of this sceptred isle’.

He said: “Option one. Nobody, apart from this red-white-and-blue true believer here, has made the effort to come up with poppies that say a Staffy could wear as a mark of their respect for our troops. Disgraceful.

“Option two. Every bloody dog in England could be proudly wearing one and they’re not because they’re cowards and traitors like their owners. Disrespectful.

“Whichever it is, it’s a bloody outrage and all them in the Commons should be strung up by the neck like we did with Goebbels in ’45.”

Malley added: “I’m only speaking up because Tommy Robinson can’t because he’s in prison. Or is he? I haven’t checked, but either way it’s sickening.”