Bitcoin founder not a real wizard

THE creator of Bitcoin has been revealed as a mere mortal who cannot dispense hearts, brains or courage.

Satoshi Nakamoto is in no way magical, but is just a middle-aged man who sits behind a shiny curtain and pulls levers.

When the news broke, the market value of Bitcoin plummeted as investors rushed to sell the currency because it wasn’t enchanted.

Emotionally-incomplete Roy Hobbs said “I was hoping Bitcoin man would give me gifts of guidance and spiritual counsel.

“But all he had to offer was the pile of old Nintendo magazines in his bathroom. And he got quite cross when I took one – he told me off using a megaphone, which was embarrassing.

“Now I know that he’s just a grumpy old man who sits around in his golden underpants, I’ve realised the truth I was seeking was inside me all along.”

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Adult birthdays to be ignored

GROWN-UPS should stop expecting to be treated as if they are special once a year, it has been claimed.

New research has found that the birthday of anyone older than 25 is nothing but a chore for all concerned.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “After your mid-twenties these things just become tombstone markers in the inexorable march towards mortality.

“If you’re turning 37 years’ old and still you want a cake, what you actually need is a fucking slap and a sense of perspective.”

The birthday industry ostensibly is worth over £4 bllion to the UK economy, mainly in sales of cards featuring 50s ladies saying catty things.

However thousands of working hours are lost each year as workers try to think of variations on the phrase ‘”don’t drink too much” to write in oversized cards.

Professor Brubaker said: “I will go out for drinks on an adult’s birthday, but only because I really enjoy the alcohol.”