Dinosaurs totally made up for benefit of toy industry

GIANT lizards from prehistory were just made up to sell toys and books, scientists have admitted.

Suspicions were aroused after researchers claimed to have discovered a new dinosaur that was fiercer, cooler looking and more marketable than Tyrannosaurus rex.

Paleontologist Tom Logan said: “After we brought it out, I had phone calls from angry parents saying they were running out of cash and could we please stop discovering new dinosaurs.

“I came clean and explained that the mere idea of giant lizards is ridiculous. What would they even eat? And look at the T rex, obviously that would just topple over.”

The dinosaur racket began in 1824 when toy companies asked scientists to imagine some extinct animals kids would love in exchange for funding authentic, boring research.

Logan said: “Once a week all scientists go to the dinosaur development lab in Kent and everyone has to pitch three ideas.

“My best one was ‘lizard cat with retractable tail’ but one of those bastards from Oxford said it was ‘too He-Man’.”

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Nationalism continues to make everything brilliant

NATIONALISM continues to be the best way of making everything better, it has been confirmed.

Of all the options available to humans, experts said focusing on ethnicity and borders would always produce spectacularly successful results.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “The big question is why it’s so successful.

“I think it’s because people who define themselves in terms of their nationality also tend to be the cleverest and most imaginative.”

He added: “Whether it’s British, Russian, Turkish, French, American or Scottish, nationalism is the best way to make everyone rich, safe and happy.

“It really is true – the best solutions are always the most simplistic.”