Being a careers advisor 'should disqualify you from giving careers advice'

PROFESSIONAL careers advisors have admitted that their job is awful so they should probably shut up. 

38-year-old Nikki Hollis, who earns her living telling teenagers what to do with their lives, said: “I just say that wanting to be a grime MC is fine but they should have a plan B, like working in Tesco.

“Or joining the army, or being a hairdresser or being a drama therapist, whatever that is.

“Basically I have no idea, as reflected by the fact that I’ve wound up doing this weird job.

“I haven’t even got a proper office, just a cupboard with two chairs in. No window.

“One day I will die in here and it will be three weeks before anyone notices.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

England team psychologist to deal mainly with John Terry-based nightmares

THE England football team’s new psychologist will focus on helping players recover from nightmares about John Terry.

Dr Steve Peters will conduct individual and group sessions where players can detail their particular John Terry nightmare in a ‘safe and supportive environment’.

Although Terry has retired from international football, the FA believes that without psychological support he will continue to be a harrowing part of of the England set-up.

As well as talking and sharing, the therapy will involve camomile infusions, painting with water colours and very large soft toys.

Meanwhile, while each player will be asked to create a ‘happy place’ where John Terry does not want to overpower them in a Jacuzzi.

An FA spokesman said: “It’s very difficult to take a penalty against Germany when all you can think about is a half-naked John Terry asking asking if you’ve ever been shaved by another man.”