Bob Marley 'Not Killed By Wizards', Admit Jamaican Police

POLICE in Jamaica have closed their 26-year investigation into the death of Bob Marley and admitted the reggae superstar was not murdered by wizards.

Detectives had pursued a series of clues which they believed would lead to an international cartel of wicked sorcerers.

But after a quarter century of intrigue and conspiracy they were forced to conclude yesterday that Marley died of complications caused by a malignant melanoma.

"To be fair, the original autopsy reports showed that Marley had been turned into a newt two weeks before he died," said Jamaican police commissioner Lucius Thomas.

"There were also signs of dragon-based injuries and traces of evil wizard potion in his bloodstream which forced us to conclude that sorcery was afoot."

But Marley conspiracy theorists dismissed the latest development.

Wayne Hayes, publisher of themagicmelanoma.com, said: "I've lost count of the number of witnesses who were supposed to have died in car crashes, despite the fact they were covered in dragon bites."

Wizards in Jamaica, Barbados and the Dominican Republic have been under a cloud since the investigation began.

Gondar the Destroyer, spokesman for the International Board of Wizardy, said: "The last 26 years have seen an unprecedented level of prejudice directed at practitioners of the dark methods. I suppose you could call it a witch-hunt."

In other news:
Sonny Corleone died of natural causes, says New York police chief
Abraham Lincoln killed by massive sneeze, US archives reveal

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BAE In 'Arms For Cash' Scandal

BAE Systems' ethical reputation i under fresh scrutiny after a Daily Mash investigation revealed the company is deeply involved in the international arms trade. 

The Daily Mash can reveal BAE, already mired in a bribery scandal involving Saudi Arabia, is currently offering lots of huge boats with great big guns on them from its base in Scotland.

We phoned BAE's Yarrow shipyard in Glasgow and asked whether they had any large warships for sale "on the off chance", following a tip-off from a member of the public.

Amazingly, we were told we could have a Type 45 destroyer, with delivery miles only, by the weekend for just £330m, as long as we were happy with a grey one.

However, the company said that any other colours, including metallic paint, would result in a four week delay and an extra £10 million.

While we were on the phone they also offered us a nuclear submarine, an atom bomb, a dozen Challenger II tanks, and said they could do us a great deal on some M777 Howitzers, "if we were interested".

When we said we had changed our minds we were offered bribes in the shape of nothing to pay for six months, interest free credit for a year, and £2,000 cash back on the destroyer. 

Armed with this information we contacted Lord Woolf, the former chief justice of England and Wales who has just been appointed to conduct a review of BAE's business ethics.

After putting our detailed revelations of BAE's involvement in the arms trade to him, he said: "What the hell are you on about? Piss off and leave me alone."