BORIS Johnson has been posted to New Zealand for as long as anyone can justify him being there.
Senior government figures decided it was urgently necessary for the Foreign Secretary to travel 12,000 miles away and to remain there until further notice.
Tory chairman Sir Patrick McLoughlin said: “Boris was mid-sentence at a morning briefing when it suddenly became absolutely essential that he was posted far, far away.
“The moon was considered but you still have to see that, so we reluctantly chose New Zealand on the basis of distance and the unlikelihood of his inadvertently starting a war there.”
Officials in New Zealand have confirmed that they are considering relocating trade talks to Bouvet Island, a tiny speck of land with no permanent human population, for the 40 years it will take to complete them.
Britain’s ambassador to New Zealand said: “It was lovely to see Boris, but early in his stay we realised his pithy, ignorant, borderline racist remarks with allusions to Catullus would be better received on a frozen outcrop thousands of miles from the nearest human being.
“We’re just working on the final details, such as ensuring that all satellite communications can be jammed.”