Britain could miss out on crazy, pointless war with China, says important American

CUTS to Britain’s armed forces mean the country will be ‘left on the sidelines’ when America invades China.

Robert Gates, former US defence secretary, stressed that Britain would no longer be America’s ‘full crazy partner in war’.

He said: “Your military will be dropping food from its only helicopter while the US Marines are surging towards Shanghai for reasons that will never be fully explained.

“The war with China will be one of the craziest ever fought. You’re going to miss out on something completely mental.”

But UK defence secretary Philip Hammond insisted the cuts would make the armed forces more efficient at a wide range of utterly stupid and pointless things.

He added: “When America invades China Britain will be there with the helicopter, Tank 1 and Tank 2 and, of course, HMS Ship.

“Britain will not stand idly by while China tries to steal some tiny islands from Japan. Or is it the other way around? Or is it Taiwan?

“Actually, don’t tell me. It’s better when I have absolutely no idea.”


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Wolf Hall making gout fashionable

HILARY Mantel’s popular book Wolf Hall has made gout the must-have middle class illness, it has been claimed.

Medical experts believe the novel is encouraging readers to eat like gluttonous monarchs.

Doctor Emma Bradford said: “Henry VIII is a central figure in Wolf Hall and its sequel, and was a renowned gout sufferer.

“Middle class people seeking one-upmanship on their peers are flocking to see the Wolf Hall play, but the real social high ground lies in actually getting gout.”

Architect Mary Fisher said: “My best friend thought she was more immersed in the Tudor era because she’d been to see the poxy theatre version.

“You should had seen her face when I showed her my immensely swollen foot and explained that my kidneys were unable to break down all the rich foods I’d be eating.

“Also I’ve been having port, veal and broiled swan for breakfast for three months, even when I don’t fancy it. Totally worth it though.”

“But I must say my foot really fucking hurts.”

Fisher’s best friend Susan Traherne said: “She thinks she’s living a Wolf Hall lifestyle with her gout, but I bleed my children with leeches when they get colds plus I’ve got poor personal hygiene and a weird skin rash that could be scrofula.

“How does she like them historical apples?”