Britain suggests friends-with-benefits deal to EU

HAVING failed to enjoy the promiscuity it hoped after breaking up with the EU, Britain has suggested a friends-with-benefits relationship. 

With the world not as open to casual hookups as it had tricked itself into believing, Britain has sent a late-night text to the EU to see if it would be interested in a casual, no-strings-attached thing.

Britain said: “Let’s not put labels on it. Let’s keep it fun. No open borders or anything emotional like that. Just something we’d both enjoy, like your thing with Switzerland.

“I admit it’s harder out here as a single country than I remember it being in the 1970s. America doesn’t want to know, Australia f**ked me over, India’s keen but wants way too much commitment. And Ireland? Thinks it’s better than me. Like come on.

“You can still enjoy all that weird, kinky Schengen stuff, I’d get some hot single market action after a bit of a dry spell, if we establish some ground rules I choose to ignore I reckon this could be great for both of us. Let me know.”

After sending the message to everyone it knows with the crying laughing emoji, the EU replied: “Free movement or GTFO.”

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England to take moral high ground by losing

ENGLAND are to take the moral high ground in the Qatar World Cup by losing all their games in protest, they have confirmed. 

After being banned from wearing the One Love armband, the team has vowed to protest Qatar’s human rights abuses by being soundly beaten in all three group games and coming home before the end of November.

Team captain Harry Kane said: “It was Harry Maguire’s idea. We asked why he was playing so badly in training and he said it was his personal protest.

“England are big box-office around the world. If we go all the way to the final we’re handing the Qatari regime a real gift. So we’re resolved to get knocked out without even rewarding them with so much as a goal.

“You’ll see it this afternoon when we take the pitch. We’ll hardly look like a football team at all, let alone multi-millionaire stars. The only possible explanation for us being so shit will be our principled stance against the Qatari regime.

“We thought Gareth might be against it, but he said it dovetailed with the way he saw things going perfectly. So take that, Qatar. You can shove your World Cup up your arse.”

He added: “If every team had the courage to go out at the group stage this travesty would be over before it began. But I’m told that’s not mathematically possible.”