Britain to get absolutely everything it wants from Brexit negotiations

THE UK can get free access to the single market without any concessions on freedom of movement, according to a man with no idea what ‘negotiating’ means.

Warehouse operative Nathan Muir believes that if British representatives tell the EU that they mean business and refuse to back down they will get every single thing they want without surrendering anything.

He continued: “It’s all about attitude. If we walk in saying ‘I’ll trade this for this,’ or ‘We may agree some compromises’ they’ll make mincemeat out of us.

“But go in there British and proud, tell them ‘Full access to the single market, no immigration, and we keep all our subsidies or I’m out that door’ and they’ll cave like the continental cowards they are.

“Though obviously we do need to meet in the middle on freedom of movement. They can’t come here but I still go wherever I want. That seems fair.”

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I remember when Nathan went to negotiate himself a pay rise. They cut his hours and moved him to nights.”

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Chris Froome abandons bike after realising they’re for kids

CHRIS Froome has completed a stage of the Tour de France on foot after suddenly realising that cycling is not what a grown man should be doing.

The 31-year-old leapt from his bike after seeing attractive girls watching the race, wondering if they were impressed that he was riding so fast, then abruptly understanding that his thinking was that of a 12-year-old.

He said: “I was cycling along as usual, musing on who my ultimate Robot Wars champion was and whether I’d be able to stay up late to play Mortal Kombat at the weekend, when I unexpectedly realised I’d been stuck in a developmental rut for the past 20 years.

“I dropped the bike, trying to give the impression I’d only been on it ironically as a joke anyway, and crossed the line sensibly and sedately like an adult would.

“I’ll still finish the race, but in a car while listening to Fleetwood Mac. If there’s a nice view in the mountain stages I might even stop for a coffee.”

Team Sky boss Dave Brailsford said: “It’s natural for cyclists to go through this. We’ll get him back once he hits 40 and realises that being an adult completely sucks.”