Public even more suspicious of state school Tories

CONSERVATIVE politicians who attended state schools should be trusted even less than the posh ones, the public has agreed.

Following the appointment of 17 state-educated ministers to Theresa May’s cabinet, fellow state school attendees have warned that they are the bastards you really have to watch.

Wayne Hayes of Stoke-on-Trent said: “If you went to Eton, you want to dismantle the NHS because you’ve only ever known the wonders of private healthcare and can’t wait to share its joy.

“But if you went to the local comprehensive, it’s personal. You hate the NHS because Lindsey next door whose dad was a doctor was always showing off in her LA Gear and that’ll teach her.

“When Liz Truss introduces mandatory life sentences for toilet graffiti falsely claiming that an individual, or an individual’s mum, is a slag we’ll wish the justice minister was a nice girl from Marlborough College instead.

“Margaret Thatcher was the state-educated daughter of a grocer. Did it make her sympathetic to the working classes? Did it fuck.”

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Woman enters third week of battling Starbucks latte

A WOMAN is beginning to make headway on the enormous frothy cup in front of her.

Sarah Malley ordered a grande latte from Starbucks back in June and was shocked when it required the efforts of four people to get the cup back to her table.

She said: “This latte has taken over my life. I keep taking swigs but it never seems to make any impact.

“All I wanted was a caffeinated drink but now latte consumes my every waking hour. I’m more latte than human.

“Sometimes I fear that I’ll never see the bottom of my cup and will pass this frothy burden onto my children.”

A Starbucks spokesman said: “We advise customers that a Short drink generally keeps them busy for an hour or so, a Tall will take most of a day while anyone ordering a Grande is making an important life choice.”