Hunt stays as Health Secretary after May decides she hates everyone in Britain

JEREMY Hunt will remain as Health Secretary because the prime minister is a misanthropic lunatic, it has been confirmed.

Theresa May said her loathing of Britain and its people was now so deep that she had no choice but to allow Mr Hunt to ‘finish the job’.

A source said: “Initially Theresa told him she wanted to move him to education and then he burst into tears. Then he got all angry and then he started crying again.

“Then the prime minister punched him in the throat and that seemed to calm him down.”

The source added: “But then she realised that keeping him in place would make everyone in the country incredibly unhappy and that made her giggle.

“She did warn him that if the NHS is still in existence this time next year, she will throw him into a pit full of rabid junior doctors.”

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Miserable Osborne returns to life of cocaine and prostitutes

A DEJECTED George Osborne has returned to the empty parade of escort girls and drug abuse that made up his life before being chancellor. 

The man who was expecting to lead the country within four years is instead a virtual recluse, his only visitors an endless procession of high-class prostitutes and lieutenants from Colombian drug cartels.

Osborne, sitting slumped in front of a glass-topped table piled with cocaine, oblivious to the undulating pole dancers on either side, said: “It’s all over for me.

“I used to be somebody. My visionary austerity policies were dragging Britain out of recession and into surplus. Now what have I got?

“I’m just one more has-been falling asleep in a four-poster bed buried in five giggling girls every night, only ever glimpsing myself in the mirror with a rolled-up £50 in one nostril.

“I don’t know how ordinary people live like this. I don’t know how they bear it.”