British sovereignty best served by UK becoming 51st state, says Farage

BRITISH sovereignty can only be saved by the UK becoming part of the United States, Nigel Farage has claimed.

Farage, who believes that as Donald Trump’s best mate he is perfectly placed to serve British interests that coincide with Trump’s, says only America can stop Britain being engulfed by the monolithic power bloc of the EU.

He continued: “To survive as an independent nation we need a functioning economy and army and sadly, after the damage that will be done to our nation by Brexit, we will have neither.

“But under the proud wing of the American eagle we can retain everything that makes us British – speaking English, bland food, bombing the Middle East – without all the political fuss.

“We’ll still have the power to decide on the issues that really matter to Britain, like the legality of fireworks and choice of official state bird, while boring bits like taxation and foreign policy are passed upstairs.

“Sadly we’ll lose the NHS and the BBC, those great Marxist institutions, but nothing else bad can happen to us because we’ll all have guns.”

Brexit voter Martin Bishop said: “You’d think, based on everything I’ve said for the last ten years, I’d be against this. But surprisingly no.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tragic bastards somehow nostalgic about Safeway

PEOPLE who feel nostalgic about an old supermarket brand have been told to get a f**king grip.

After it was announced that Safeway supermarkets are to return, experts confirmed that nobody should have warm feelings about a supermarket chain that closed in 2005 unless they are a strange type of moron.

Retail consultant Norman Steele said: “It’s good that people are pleased about Safeway returning in some form, but for their own sake I’d advise them to get a fucking life.

“Perhaps they have cherished memories of buying chilled chicken breasts and two-for-one bottles of Ajax. But it’s basically a big unfeeling building full of meat and vegetables.”

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “I used to love shopping at Safeway in the early 1990s. I was young and in love then and life was so full of promise. Plus the mince was very cheap.

Electrician Tom Logan said: “I’ve got a Facebook page called ‘Memories of Safeway’ where we reminisce about things like Heinz minestrone soup.

“When I went there as a child with my parents there was definitely a full-sized magic castle next to the sliced ham.”