Brits abroad don’t need to point at menus because they’re having chips

WAITERS across Europe have agreed that there is no need for holidaying Britons to dumbly point at menus because they are always having chips. 

Following a survey showing more than half of Brits desperately point to menus because they are fearful of being served fried octopus balls, restaurant staff have said there is no need to tax their overheated brains even slightly.

Waiter Rui Tavares in Portugal said: “We know which ones you are – wearing the Manchester City away shirts, presumably because you are not at home – and we know what you want.

“We are only having a little fun when we suggest the clams or the wine-cooked goat. We only want to see you go white beneath the red.

“Brits do not even get the real menu. There is a special one, like for children, but with fewer bold flavours that might upset them.”

Holidaymaker Wayne Hayes said: “I’ll be glad to get home tomorrow. They don’t do the chips right.”

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Livingstone publishes list of all the people he should have killed when he was mayor

KEN Livingstone has claimed Britain would be a much better place if he had killed all the people on his hit list when he had the chance.

The former London mayor said one of the great lessons he had learned from Hitler was that democracy was ‘fine for getting you into power’ but politics was really about neutralising your enemies.

Livingstone revealed the list included ‘Thatch, of course’, Richard Branson, Bryan Ferry, Take That’s Gary Barlow and six times World Snooker champion Steve Davis.

He added: “I had planned to have them all killed at the same time, like at the end of The Godfather. The capitalist oligarchy would have collapsed immediately, to be replaced moments later by a socialist utopia – as would have happened in Venezuela if they had just taken my advice.

“Unfortunately I happened to mention all of this during my weekly meeting with the Metropolitan Police Commissioner and so the cat was well and truly out of the bag.”

Livingstone also revealed that Jeremy Corbyn had been on the list after they fell out over an obscure aspect of Marxist doctrine and Corbyn had tried to kill him.