Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Going about your normal routine and not letting the terrorists win is a lot easier when your usual habits include staying at home with the door locked shunning all human contact.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A bad first day on the job making up excuses for Southern Trains as you try to convince thousands of commuters the 8:24 to London Bridge is delayed due to a dragon on the line.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your archaeology professor is unimpressed today when you use the lyric “It’s time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars” as proof that REO Speedwagon were Vikings.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The Voyager Probe flies across your sign this week, causing you to go “Beep……….Beep….” for 96 hours straight.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You cast your bread on the waters, and it returns to you inedible. So that’s another passage of the Bible proved wrong. Unless it’s a psalm.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Abigail, Barney… are all these storms going to be named after people you had one-night stands with in the 90s? And as destructive?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week, you realise how much you miss the days when a nude man could be surprised by an elderly relative and cover his modesty, front and back, with a pair of vinyl albums. You can’t do that with a streaming service.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday you go for a haircut you believe has been successful, until the hairdresser shows you the back with a mirror and you scream in horror then faint dead away.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Trouble at the weekend, as you arrive at Heathrow for your flight to New York and realise too late that the only thing in your hand luggage is 33,400 boxes of Fun Snaps.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You learn this week that an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters would eventually create the complete works of Shakespeare, though one monkey and a handful of faeces could do better than Coriolanus.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve got Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces that’s a straight flush! This hand’s unbeatable! Go all in with every chip you have.