Cameron encourages private sector to bomb Syria

THE prime minister has announced financial incentives for any UK business which commits to airstrikes in Syria. 

Tax breaks and development funding have been made available, with Tesco, United Biscuits and River Island all considering making bombing runs before Christmas. 

Cameron continued: “State interference, whether in the housing market or against ISIS, is never a good idea. 

“But the private sector doesn’t have to worry about votes in the Commons, violating international law or being on the receiving end of one of Putin’s hard stares.”

The first strikes on Palmyra will take place later today, with Sainsbury’s dropping cluster bombs and the Christmas edition of their magazine with recipes for freezer-friendly puddings. 

Unemployed Stephen Malley said: “I have to sign up for Specsavers’ low-level bombing runs, targeting military sites and key infrastructure, or my benefits will be sanctioned. 

“I don’t even get a free pair of glasses.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
‘Going about your normal routine’ and ‘not letting the terrorists win’ is a lot easier when your usual habits include staying at home with the door locked shunning all human contact.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A bad first day on the job making up excuses for Southern Trains as you try to convince thousands of commuters the 8:24 to London Bridge is delayed due to a dragon on the line.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your archaeology professor is unimpressed today when you use the lyric “It’s time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars” as proof that REO Speedwagon were Vikings.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can’t complain about websites and their use of cookies, given your use of cookies as a substitute for parental love.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The Voyager Probe flies across your sign this week, causing you to go “Beep……….Beep….” for 96 hours straight.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You cast your bread on the waters, and it returns to you inedible. So that’s another passage of the Bible proved wrong. Unless it’s a psalm. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Abigail, Barney… are all these storms going to be named after people you had one-night stands with in the 90s? And as destructive? 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week, you realise how much you miss the days when a nude man could be surprised by an elderly relative and cover his modesty, front and back, with a pair of vinyl albums. You can’t do that with a streaming service. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday you go for a haircut you believe has been successful, until the hairdresser shows you the back with a mirror and you scream in horror then faint dead away. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Trouble at the weekend, as you arrive at Heathrow for your flight to New York and realise too late that the only thing in your hand luggage is 33,400 boxes of Fun Snaps. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You learn this week that an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters would eventually create the complete works of Shakespeare, though one monkey and a handful of faeces could do better than Coriolanus

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve got Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces – that’s a straight flush! This hand’s unbeatable! Go all in with every chip you have.