Cameron vows UK will be last place on Earth to legalise weed

THE prime minister has promised that cannabis will still be illegal in Britain decades after everyone else has given in.

Cameron reacted to the news that Uruguay is legalising the drug by vowing that the UK will forever be the only person in the room not giggling at Spongebob Squarepants.  

He continued: “No matter how many scientists I have to smear, how many police chiefs I must ignore or how many times I must pretend to myself that my wife is only lighting joss-sticks in her room, I will never surrender.

“At least until the editor of the Daily Mail dies at which point I’ll test the water with that medicinal marijuana cop-out.”

Cannabis dealer Wayne Hayes said: “David Cameron is a leader who listens to business, and he knows that if cannabis is legalised then my profit margin goes through the floor.

“Keep it illegal, keep it artisanal, and keep the taxman well away.”


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Arseholes confused about God’s plan for homosexuals

RELIGIOUS homophobes are unclear about why God is letting HIV become less infectious.

Hate-fuelled zealot Roy Hobbs said: “When Aids came along it was clear to me that this was God’s wrath against deviants, just as cancer is God’s way of punishing people for nothing in particular.

“Now they’re saying that the HIV virus, which as I understand it is made of tiny angry angels, is evolving to become less deadly.

“I’m just confused as to why God would do that. I mean there’s still loads of homosexuals around, you only have to turn on Channel 4 or any programme about cakes.

“I’ve never imagined God as the sort of being who is wrathful for a bit and then sort of chills out.

“I feel so tense and confused. If only I was allowed to have a wank, that might help.”