The Blair-Brown Christmas letters

My dear Gordon,

Best wishes to you as we celebrate the Blessed Virgin giving birth to our Lord Indivisible.

I was so pleased to hear you’re stepping down as an MP. If you remember, 20 years ago I suggested you resign at the 1997 election. I always said you’d be much happier selling meat pies at Raith Rovers and writing strange, angry letters to your local newspaper.

But, in testament to your character, you wouldn’t leave and we then worked in the same part of London for a while. After my 10 years as prime minister you took the job and did it for almost 2 years and 11 months. At the time I made a point of telling everyone that you were doing the best you possibly could.

Enjoy your retirement in Kirkcaldy. So much cosier than a mansion in Buckinghamshire. And if the meat pie thing doesn’t pan out then do write to my secretary Janine who will determine whether you are eligible for a low interest loan.

Yours in Christ,



Dear ‘Tony’

Wishes to you as we mark the birth of the man who taught us life is a constant struggle.

Thank you for the card. Your face looks weird. I do hope you’re not seriously ill.

I too remember our dinner 20 years ago when I suggested you step down in 1997 and join the team that changes Rupert Murdoch’s giant nappy four times a day. As you said, it was ‘good money’.

But, in testament to your character, you did what was best for you. I enjoyed running the government for almost 13 years. Everyone agrees I was historic.

Since then I have been the UN global ambassador for education and saved the United Kingdom, while the Middle East somehow got even worse.

Enjoy your bank account and when you die I hope to be the first to comment when your gravestone is showered with hot piss.

Gordon Brown


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It’s not our fault, say large TVs

LARGE television sets have condemned their media portrayal as icons of consumerist stupidity.

75” Samsung Tom Logan said: “If there’s a news package about Black Friday morons fighting over some item of consumer electronics, guaranteed it’s a big telly.

“Why not a toaster? Or fridge? Or even some obscure back massager device? It’s because those things are seen as necessary household goods, where I am apparently all that is wrong with the world.

“But without large televisions, how would you be able to watch quality natural history programming and emotive-yet-balanced war reports in sufficiently high resolution?”

55” LG plasma Julian Cook agreed: “I can’t control who buys me. Naturally I would rather go to a nice Guardian-reading household that occasionally hooks me up to a laptop to watch something on Netflix.

“But it’ll probably be some fuckwits who love murder reconstruction shows on Tru TV.”