China experiences first ever protests, says China

CHINA has recorded the first protests in the country’s long and harmonious history, it has confirmed.

Demonstrations against the country’s zero-Covid policy have shocked the whole nation because nothing like this has ever taken place in the country previously.

A spokesman for President Xi Jinping, speaking from Tiananmen Square where the People’s Republic of China was founded in 1949, said: “Dissent? Here? Unprecedented.

“The world well knows that China resolves its disagreements peacefully – every official history agrees – so these protests are like nothing we’ve ever seen before.

“Conflict in public is not the Chinese way, as the people of Hong Kong know. That’s why they spontaneously ceased demonstrating and accepted the benevolent direction of the general secretary. Ask them if you doubt.

“Our policy is one of gentle re-education, at times in remote locations away from distractions to help concentrate the mind, with armed guards. If that was wrong surely the West would speak out?

“The people are steady in their belief that the supreme leader will end these protests with firmness and compassion. Soon it will be as if they never happened.”

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Woman found without dietary requirements

A WOMAN has been found who has no specific dietary requirements, scientists have confirmed.

Researchers are baffled by Donna Sheridan, aged 34, who appears to be able to consume a standard range of human foodstuffs without making a big f**king song and dance about it.

Dietician Helen Archer said: “Donna is, amazingly, capable of perusing a menu without launching into an explanation of how she doesn’t eat dairy because humans can’t digest lactose and no other species consumes the milk of other mammals, even though no other species makes pizza either and we eat that.

“She also failed to tell any kind of anecdote about being allergic to nuts, how peanuts are actually a legume, or to be toying with veganism.

“Later in the meal, Donna neglected to discuss at length how gluten affects her digestion and how buckwheat bread is just as nice as real bread even though it looks and tastes like a house brick.

“Finally, we observed Donna not indignantly asking the waiter why the beef lasagne wasn’t available without the beef, before eschewing the jackfruit burger. We don’t know how she can exist, but we’re confident it can’t be recreated in laboratory conditions.”

Sheridan said: “I enjoy eating food. I know. Shameful.”