SEATS at the Olympic opening ceremony, boycotted by western leaders, are to be given to some of China's star executioners, the Beijing government said last night.
China said it was delighted it could now accomodate these dedicated public servants who have helped set the country on the road to economic success.
Prime minister Gordon Brown's seat in the Olympic stadium will be given to Zheng Tao, a veteran, state-appointed killer who has been dispatching dissidents and petty criminals for over 30 years.
The seats reserved for Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy will go to the Jang twins from Gansu province, who began their careers breaking the thumbs of couples who had more than one child.
A spokesman for the foreign ministry in Beijing said: "To be honest, People's Republic of China not give honourable, jasmine-scented shit.
"But if it keep George Monbiot and Polly Toynbee quiet for five minutes, then maybe it not such bad idea."
He added: "We understand that while you no like China human rights record, you very keen make many billions of jasmine-scented dollars with honourable Chinese businessmen.
"However, it most gratifying that you not boycott actual games. Thankfully your balls not quite honourable enough."