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Do you detest him or want to f**k him? Take the Mash sex columnist's quiz

VIOLENT hatred and hopeless attraction can be hard to tell apart, as proven by both science and Killing Eve. 

So when it comes to that guy in your friendship group who makes your whole body tense, is he riling you up or turning you on? Take our quiz to find out if your urge to choke is sexy or murderous:

He walks into the pub. Do you:

A) Feel something twist deep in your belly and head to the bar. Only alcohol will get you through a night in the same room as him
B) Feel something twist deep in your belly and head to the bar. Only alcohol will get you through a night in the same room as him

He shares his recent escape room experience in great detail. Do you:

A) Find yourself unable to stop listening, trying to keep your face neutral as you glance around the table to see if anyone else is struggling to control their reactions
B) Find yourself unable to stop listening, trying to keep your face neutral as you glance around the table to see if anyone else is struggling to control their reactions

He touches your arm whilst laughing at his own joke. Do you:

A) Stare down at his hand open-f**king-mouthed
B) Stare down at his hand open-f**king-mouthed

He announces he fancies your best mate. Do you:

A) Control your lurching gut and spend the rest of the evening slagging your own bestie in a subtle, manipulative way while knowing you’ve drunk far too many pale ales for that
B) Control your lurching gut and spend the rest of the evening slagging your own bestie in a subtle, manipulative way while knowing you’ve drunk far too many pale ales for that

On the bus home, do you:

A) Obsess over every little detail: his odd socks, his whitened teeth, his forceful opinions about Celebrity Traitors
B) Obsess over every little detail: his odd socks, his whitened teeth, his forceful opinions about Celebrity Traitors

You fall asleep. Do you:

A) Dream about being given a selection of blunt objects and really going to town on him
B) Dream about being given a selection of blunt objects and really going to town on him

Results

Mostly A’s: You despise him with the fire of a thousand suns. You should absolutely shag him. The sex will be athletic and confusing and you’ll hate yourself and go back for more.

Mostly B’s: This isn’t hatred, it’s the horn! But give it a year of confusing, drunken shags and hurtful rejections and you really will f**king hate him.

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Your astrological week ahead for November 1st, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

In 1415 Owain Glyndŵr was defeated, and since then Wales has forever been under the iron grip of the Spar.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

I’m running from Land’s End to John O’Groats. But specifically not for charity, just for something to do.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

The headlines work because the real Artist Formerly Known As Prince was also a total sex freak. Though within legal bounds and contributing a great deal more to society.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Sure, The Godfather Part II is a masterpiece. All I’m saying is it would be better with a jaunty montage of Michael Corleone and his friends trying on a bunch of quirky hats.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“One key in the bowl per couple. If everyone puts a car key in this isn’t a swingers’ party, it’s one where we all briefly swap cars.”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

It must be awful being the biggest guy in prison. Every new convict seeking you out to come and punch you in the face.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

“And for your main, sir? And not that it’s my place to remind you, but you are a member of this country’s dominant socioeconomic class.” “Oh. Well I suppose in that case I’ll have to have the f**king lobster.”

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Lily Allen narrates her break-up to the world and it’s an acclaimed album. You do the same in one Reply All email to your workplace and it’s ‘an HR issue’.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Judas only turned against Jesus because he demanded separate Christmas and birthday presents.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

If you slip the mortician an extra £20, they’ll make your loved one wave goodbye to you.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

You don’t see many ghosts born after 1960, do you? The Victorians do seem to operate something of a haunting monopoly.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

No, your mutt is not a ‘rescue dog’. You’re thinking of Paw Patrol.

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