WAKING up with a hangover so intense that my head changes colour from green to amber to red at regular intervals, I take a few restorative sips of water and reflect on the week’s events.
I accepted an offer to host tech entrepreneur Elon Musk at a private audience. Mr Musk fears, from afar, that Britain is in danger of collapse as a result of migrants and Muslims who are turning our country’s cities into ‘no-go’ areas.
I greeted Mr Musk as he stepped out of his car at Westminster Palace.
‘Hi!’ he says. ‘I’m -’
I immediately body slam him to the pavement, bloodying his forehead in the process.
‘Apologies, Mr Musk,’ I say. ‘But it was for your own safety. I fancied I saw a passing migrant in the corner of my eye. You are right. We in London live in permanent fear of brown-skinned invaders, ever since Sadiq Khan gained total control of London.’
‘Gee, I never thought…’
‘Oh my word, here comes a Muslim!’ I cry, as a person of colour approached along the street. I immediately bundled him into a double-doored coal bunker at the front of the Palace.
‘You’re safest here. I’ll get you some bread and water as soon as I can. I’d get you other food but it’s all foreign, you can’t trust it.’
Upon which I bolted the doors shut and left him to it, attending to other matters. I daresay he is still in there, which would account for the occasional hammering drifting up from the streets. As for now, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Reform MP Sarah Pochin has said it ‘drove her mad’ to see a high proportion of minorities in television adverts, instead of ‘white families’.
Jesus H Cuntache, of all the things to worry about in this country you’re mostly vexed by adverts featuring black families pushing trolleys out of fucking Tesco? For decades in this country you never saw a single black or Asian person in any fucking advert! Minorities shopped for shit the same as everybody else, but then they turned on the TV and found themselves fucking invisible! And I bet you were completely alright with that! Frankly I’d see a doctor if you feel threatened by a black family buying f**king Hobnobs!
The Daily Express has revealed that the affectionate nickname for former prince Andrew among below-stairs staff at Buckingham Palace was ‘the cunt’.
Hahaha, you can fucking keep that title! And I bet it wasn’t just that! Like fucking Michael Winner reviewing restaurants, I bet he fucking missed the piquant taste of a brown Windsor soup whose tureen hadn’t been generously pissed in by staff who despised his arrogant manner and – alleged – fucking nonce guts!
A botched crackdown on benefit fraud has seen a woman have her child benefits stopped after she booked a flight to Oslo for a wedding, but never went, causing the HMRC to somehow believe she’d emigrated.
Roast my cock among the chestnuts, this is thanks to the fucking ‘Labour’ government focusing all their efforts on benefit claimants to appease the unappeasable Daily Mail, resulting in a mass of fuck ups like this! Fuck’s sake, Labour, grow a fucking spine, grow some balls, grow a fucking brain and realise that at some point you’ve got to dare to raise taxes on a tiny minority of avaricious psychopaths hoarding fucking stupid amounts of wealth! But no, better to squeeze those with fuck all money anyway. What next, a ‘crackdown’ on them buying fucking food?
Finally, tonight we celebrate Halloween, during which we are supposed to hollow out pumpkins and dress as skeletons and so forth.
Sadly, I am of the view that Halloween is absolute cunting shite! Compulsory enthusiasm gone fucking insane! I don’t chuckle at the word ‘spooktacular’. I regard the pumpkin as being as superfluous to the vegetable kingdom as the turnip! The charm of ‘trick or treat’ diminishes when it involves a bunch of pissed-up 15-year-olds knocking at your door with menaces – and believe me, they’ll be getting a bucket of boiling water if they try anything at my gaff! Yes, my least favourite day of the fucking year, and that’s despite stiff competition from New Year’s Eve! At least with Halloween Jools Holland has nothing to fucking do with it!
