CIA still laughing at Zuckerberg for thinking he came up with Facebook

CIA AGENTS are still chuckling to themselves about how Mark Zuckerberg actually thinks he created Facebook.

Zuckerberg is credited as devising the social media site, and believes he did it without being covertly manipulated by the secret services, who would obviously have no interest in such a mass communication tool.

CIA Agent Tom Booker said: “I mean come on, I’ve got shoes older than him and he thinks he invented this incredibly huge communication system and spying tool.

“This all began when he ‘accidentally’ overhead some sexy girls talking about it at college, then was introduced to some computer experts at a frat party who just happened to be 10 years older than everyone else and wearing suits.

“We only chose him because he seemed astonishingly gullible.”

He added: “He thinks because he wears the same clothes every day that makes him a genius. I’ve got an uncle who wears the same clothes everyday and believe me, he’s no genius.”

Fellow agent, Mary Fisher said, “He probably thinks he wrote Stairway to Heaven too. You’ve got to admire that little chump’s confidence.

We were behind Blind Date too. Figure that one out.”



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Ask Holly: Putin is actually pretty sound

Dear Holly,

I recently got a new job and although I was worried it might be tough, turns out it’s actually a piece of piss. I’ve already made some new friends, including Vladimir Putin. Everyone told me he’s a dick but he’s actually pretty sound and we have loads in common. He’s invited me round to look at his collection of retro nuclear buttons and listen to apocalyptic music. Do you think he likes me for just friendship or will he expect more? 



Dear Theresa,

More to the point, have you SEEN Brooklyn Beckham’s hair? This is a classic example of a Shakespearean tragedy: something that could so easily have been avoided, had a series of events not conspired to make it come about – beginning with Posh falling in love with Becks all those years ago. We all thought Brooklyn to be the perfect combination of Victoria’s business savvy and David’s beautiful physiology, but now, with that ridiculous blond hairdo and a failure to do anything useful, we can see he is simply the unfortunate result of a  rubbish singer crossed with a squeaky Cockney thicko. 

Hope that helps,