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CIA unsure how to tell Trump simultaneous takeovers of Venezuela, Greenland and Iran inadvisable

THE Central Intelligence Agency is debating who will tell Trump that opening up a third front on as many continents is a bit risky. 

National security officers are anxiously brainstorming how to inform the president that kidnapping the Venezuelan president, invading Greenland and striking Iran simultaneously is perhaps too much in a way that will register.

CIA director Norman Steele said: “Even when we were adventurously anti-Communist it was one at a time. All at the same time? I know he’s not Gen Z but is this ADHD?

“We’re in a post-bullshit-ideas era. Using sock puppets to explain geopolitical tensions would’ve been unthinkable, even during the George W Bush presidency, but we’ve strayed far from that shining era of intellectualism.”

Security chief Stephen Malley said: “We need to tell Trump that three wars at once is two wars too many. And that’s not counting the ongoing war on any US city that elected a Democrat.

“I’ve set an intern to condense millennia of military history into a four-word slogan that fits on a baseball cap, and we’ve got ‘too much war bad’, ‘one war at once’ and ‘is Iran your problem?’ None feels quite there.

“It’s already on fire. Can we just tell him we bombed the baddies, like we did with Nigeria on Christmas Day? He seemed happy with that.”

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Six Farage clauses that need to be inserted post-haste

THE EU is demanding a Farage clause be inserted in any trade deal, and the UK is demanding the following Farage clauses be inserted now that’s an option:

* if elected as MP, Farage is compelled to perform the duties of a constituency MP

The resident of Clacton, Essex wish to insert this one given their experience of having a MP over the last 18 months, an experience identical to not having an MP. Instead, Farage has ruled that he was elected as a mere figurehead for racial grievance and acted accordingly. He also has multiple presenting jobs and sells gold.

* the Farage you vote for may be substituted for a lesser bigot of equal or much, much lesser value

Pushed by those who voted Reform in local elections and have found their local authority now run by a collection of incompetents, bloody angry incompetents and children who follow neo-Nazis on YouTube, none of whom are capable of organising a bin collection but who are raising council tax by the maximum amount.

* prolonged exposure to Farage may cause permanent damage to your personal relationships

Whether an uncle, a father, a husband or a wife, fleeting initial exposure to Farage can in some cases lead to seeking him out on LBC, GB News or pubs with a certain clientele. This can cause alienation, separation, divorce and sitting alone in a basement flat hoping passers-by look down and see the Union Jack hanging in the window serving as curtains.

* close friendships with Trump and Elon Musk are not refundable

Photographs with two of the world’s most powerful men, both of whom have turned out to be far more openly prejudiced and disordered in thinking than previously thought, remain valid. These close associations cannot merely be forgotten now the first is breaking up NATO and the second facilitating pornography via AI.

* your status as a Reform MP may be rescinded at any time

Useful for those former Tories elected as Reform MPs, a significant percentage of whom are now not, and for those former Tories hoping to be elected as Reform MPs at the next election. Please be aware that you are not joining a democratic organisation but a mob with an unquestioned leader, and only his word is policy and only he counts.

* the Brexit you receive may differ in size, success and sovereignty from the Brexit ordered

This retroactive clause, going back some ten years, must be inserted in the terms of the 2016 referendum so all claims against it can be ruled invalid. Then everybody will be happy and those who are not instructed to read the small print again.

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