LINGUISTS, HR departments and men named Steve have confirmed that the following words are technically compliments in the same way a pat on the head is. Avoid these:
‘Bossy’
Any female who has expressed a preference out loud. Male equivalents include ‘decisive’ and ‘competent’. Usually deployed for a woman after she’s asked a man to do his actual f**king job.
‘Formidable’
Used for an impressive lady, when the word ‘impressive’ can’t be used because you can also say that about a man. She’s formidable if she does everything she can to protect her kids, who should be her sole focus.
‘Firecracker’
She speaks. Sometimes above a whisper, sometimes even twice in a meeting. An energy that men find intriguing as it suggests she has a lot of energy and therefore might be wild in bed.
‘Feisty’
A woman who disagrees with you but has the temerity to neither apologise first nor cry after. Strong overlap with ‘unexpectedly angry for someone small’.
‘Girlboss’
A 48-year-old man running a multinational would never be called a ‘boyboss’ because that would be insane and he’d punch you. This celebrates female success while still making her sound tiny and young, which is all women want to be. “Running an enormous conglomerate in your little heels? Well done, sweetheart, that’s nice and just a phase.’
‘Badass’
She’s competent, but in a way that’s still cute. Possibly has a tongue piercing that might prove beneficial during fellatio. Her outward spikiness belies a soft, warm, yearning side that would enjoy making your dinner, guys wholeheartedly believe.
‘Whip-smart’
Clever, which is to be celebrated as long as she doesn’t make you feel stupid. Often paired with surprise, as intelligence was not factored in beforehand.
‘High-maintenance’
She has standards, boundaries and occasionally needs things, a fatal personality defect not seen in men who simply require respect, silence, praise, emotional labour and a full-time support system to help them reach their full, underestimated potential. May also have Botox rather than remain naturally ageless.
‘Trailblazer’
By being in a field traditionally dominated by men – that is, all of them – she is automatically pioneering. Men applaud her bravery, then ask her to organise the meeting and get the teas in.
‘Spunky’
A word that should have been retired in 1987. Suggests enthusiasm, defiance and sublimated annoyance. She got the better of a dude during banter and he’s still pretending to be cool with it.
‘Clever little cookie’
No intelligent man has ever been called a ‘cookie’. There has never been an Oxford professor named David described as ‘surprisingly sharp’.
