Clegg bans Putin from Sheffield Hallam

FORMER deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has warned Vladimir Putin not to enter Sheffield Hallam. 

The Russian president’s name was at the top of a controversial ‘blacklist’ of world leaders who are forbidden from setting foot in the leafy South Yorkshire constituency.

Clegg said: “Putin is not allowed in Sheffield Hallam from now on. Simple as, end of.

“If he is driving up through the Derbyshire Dales due north, he will be stopped at the Yorkshire border and asked to turn back. If he fancies a day out at the Peak District National Park, he can think again.”

Clegg added: “As for visiting Crookes, Dore, Totley, Fulwood, Stannington or any other sleepy west Sheffield suburb, he can forget it.

“I’d be intrigued to know how he likes them apples.”

Putin said: “Only reason I go Sheffield is to watch snooker at Crucible… in Sheffield Central.

“Vladimir win again.”

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The Mash guide to worthless revision advice

UNIMAGINATIVE, ill-considered advice for parents and their teens during GCSE exam time.

With millions of young people facing exam pressure, here is some worthless advice for parents and relatives to deliver in a ‘kind’ tone of voice.

Relax the night before the test

A stupid idea. Remember when your son forgot his Rasta-man dreads hat on Crazy Hair day even though you reminded him like eighty times? Your children are a bunch of gimps who can’t retain any information in their heads for longer than three seconds. If they aren’t weeping into their past papers until the exam starts, you may as well get the army on speed dial right now.

Richard Branson left school with no qualifications

You know who else left school with no qualifications? Pan, God of Mountains. And now he has to spend all his time blowing his silly flute, having sex with goats and teaching shepherds how to wank. There’s probably not a day goes by that Richard and Pan don’t think to themselves “If only I’d read up on the ionisation energy of boron, I wouldn’t be degrading myself in this way.”

O Levels were much harder

No they weren’t, because you didn’t have an electronic network containing all the pornography ever made to distract you. Staying focused for more than 12 seconds while having a broadband connection requires a Herculean act of will.

Well, good luck being a bin man.

At least bin men get to be outside in the sunshine and ride around in a cool lorry. Which is better than the shitty marketing job which is the realistic pinnacle of your aspirations unless you’re lucky enough to have rich parents who send you to school in an old cathedral.

I’ll be proud as long as you do your best

No you won’t. When they open that envelope in August and it’s all Es and Fs, you’ll just feel guilty for marrying your cousin.