Please do Trump next, Irish women told

IRISH women have been asked if they could please do something about Trump next.

Following a landslide referendum vote to liberalise their country’s abortion laws, Irish women now face widespread appeals to ‘sort out’ Donald Trump.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “They have achieved the seemingly impossible by convincing their grandparents to make a humane voting choice even though it’s an area that concerns shagging.

“Hopefully they’ve got a ‘to do’ list and the next thing on it is Donald Trump, closely followed by Brexit and wasps.”

Irish woman Mary Fisher said: “We’re actually feeling a bit rough today, as you might have heard it was a big weekend. But we’ll have a look at this Trump thing early next week.

“We’re aware of the problem but I’m sure something can be done. After all there’s only one of him and shitloads of us.”

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Nerd boyfriend would be great if he wasn't so f**king nerdy

A WOMAN has told friends that her new nerd boyfriend would be perfect if he could stop being such a total nerd.

Joanna Kramer is in love with Tom Booker’s black-framed glasses, knitted cardigans and sensitivity, but wishes he would stop watching Firefly all the bloody time.

She said: “The first few months were great. He makes an effort, he doesn’t give a bugger about football and he’s so immensely grateful in bed.

“But I watched all the Marvel films, you know, like you have to, and then he said ‘Okay, so we’ve done the movies. Now for the TV series!’ Apparently there’s 17 seasons of them. What?

“He wears these T-shirts that combine the Terminator and Doctor Who instead of that nice Ted Baker shirt I got him, then he expects me to get the joke. Come on. I was popular at school mate.

“We’re going away for a surprise thing next weekend. I’ll decide then. If he messes this up I could be the last shag he ever has.”

Booker said: “I’ve not told Jo, but she and I are cosplaying as Mister Miracle and Big Barda at the Birmingham Comic Convention.”