Dubai unveils Twatopolis

A MASSIVE dome full of the horrible things that twats like is to be built in Dubai.

The quintrillion-dollar air-conditioned monstrosity will contain ghastly hotels, pretentious shops and soulless bars called things like ‘Tyger’.

A government spokesman said: “Twatopolis will consolidate our city’s status as a hub for the biggest twats on the planet.

“Footballers, their dreadful wives, sleazebag billionaires and cackling middle-management hen parties will come in their droves because it is very big, very expensive and the weather is hot.”

Footballer Wayne Hayes said: “Can I buy shoes that cost more than a hospital? Are they very colourful and can I carry them away in big shiny bags? Can I then eat a burger while my wife gets some hot ‘healing mud’ poured on her? And then buy some shit art?

“Basically, is it vile? If so I am in.”

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Military defeat by Britain key to World Cup success

BEING beaten by Britain in a military conflict is the secret to winning the World Cup, it has been claimed.

Finalists Germany and Argentina have both been defeated by Britain in wars, a blow which may have spurred them on to sporting success.

Military historian Tom Logan said: “In 1945, Germany waved the white flag. Nine years later, they’ve won the World Cup.

“Similarly, in 1982, Britain’s forces ejected Argentina from the Falkland Islands. Four years later, in 1986, Argentina lift the trophy. With Germany as finalists, wouldn’t you know.

“Humiliation on the battlefield at the hands of Tommy Atkins seems to act as a great motivator to these nations.

“Italy, there’s another one.

“Because Britain is directly responsible for these nations’ sporting triumphs, it is entirely fair and legitimate to say that whenever they ‘win’ we are the real winners.”

Logan believes that perpetual World Cup bridesmaids such as the Netherlands could take a leaf out of Germany and Argentina’s book.

He continued: “Fabricate a pretext, stage a seaborne invasion of the Yorkshire coast only to be briskly annihilated by our troops, and you watch within the decade they’d be World Cup winners if Afghanistan or Iraq haven’t pipped them to it.

“It’s just a shame we haven’t had a civil war in a while. Otherwise we might score some goals too.”