Porn and Amazon, experts tell government

GOVERNMENT agencies have been advised that 98% of internet traffic is breasts and shopping.

As emergency powers to outlaw all forms of privacy just in case are handed to Parliament, communications experts have warned that they’ll regret it.

Surveillance consultant Nikki Hollis said: “There are two kinds of internet user; the kind who buy goods from Amazon and then treat themselves to some porn, or the ones who view porn then try to obliterate their guilt in a consumerist binge on Amazon.

“Snooping on the public’s internet use sounds thrilling, but you soon discover that you’ve ploughed millions in technology and training into watching someone else read their Groupon offers.

“Anyone with radical left or right-wing views can be tracked not by reading their private email, but by reading the ‘Wake up sheeple’ comments they openly leave under news stories.”

The new powers will also allow the Government to read text messages about going out for drinks, text messages denying to partners that the sender is out drinking and text messages about hangovers.

An MI5 source said: “Look at it this way; we’ve got the only job going where you get to watch porn at work and call it surveillance.

“Also, we have to know why people who bought 75-inch yoga balls also bought the DVD of Friends With Benefits and a book about alpaca farming.

“It’s a matter of national security.”

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Glass exists, admit flies

FLIES have admitted the universe contains a substance which light can pass through but they cannot.

The hypothesis is based on countless hours of repeatedly smacking into every point where such a barrier is thought to exist.

Fly Tom Booker said: “How could something be hard and see-through? It’s too mental. Fly wisdom had it that any barrier is only an illusion caused by not flying at it often enough.

“But after seeing hundreds, if not thousands, of close friends suddenly explode in what seemed to be mid-air, it’s time to accept that the ‘glassers’ among us are not just crackpots.”

But other fly Nathan Muir insisted: “It’s utter nonsense. I’m just having a bit of trouble flying through this bit, that’s all.

“I’ll try this bit. No? Then this bit. Have I tried over here already?”

Booker added: “There may be a way to instantly teleport from one side of the barrier to the other. I saw a film about that, I can’t remember the title but it was good.”