Caligula's Commonwealth Games

It was supposed to be a big reveal but I can’t keep it in any longer: I, Caligula, have been the mastermind behind the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games all along! I can’t believe you hadn’t guessed!

The plan to kick off the Games by taking half a ton of dynamite and razing the high-rise pleb habitation? One of mine. Let me hear you say YEAH!

The mascot, Clyde? Straight from the dream I had after eating some bad pate and watching Rainbow.

This week we’ve had the grand unveiling of my hispter-inspired Scottish team uniform. No-one loves massive sporting events more than those Glaswegians who do all their shopping in rural charity shops and graduated in textiles from the School of Art. You find them in one of the city’s three artisan coffee houses, wearing woolly mustard knee-high socks in July and carrying shoulder bags just big enough for their iPod, which is playing Wet Wet Wet in an ironic way. “I don’t even own a TV,” they’ll say. Right before desperately asking you who’s won the wrestling. The Games is for them!

It will be non-stop excitement! You’ll remember the time I became bored at the Colosseum and had a section of the audience thrown to some angry lions? Nothing says Glasgow like tossing a crowd of paying ticket holders into a slaughter pit for fun. We shall play bagpipe music as we do it.

If any athlete fails to keep me interested, I will create a spectacle of him. Chris Hoy the Elder is looking a bit insipid during the opening parade? He shall now be known as Chris Hoy the Pure Fanny. Andy Murray has displeased me this year and shall be renamed Bandy Murray – everyone will laugh at him trying to walk in a straight line. Jim White is annoying me. Place him in a barrel of wasps and put him on the waltzers. Also I don’t think much of that Gerard Butler.

Finally, I’d like to carry on where I left in Rome and make my favourite horse, Incitatus, a high-ranking member of the council. He has much to bring to the table and can generally use past participles more accurately than the current leader of the Scottish Labour Party.

Let the Games commence!

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Criticising schools ‘vital’ to shit parenting

CONSTANTLY criticising your child’s school is a vital part of being a shit parent, it has been claimed.

Useless parents believe the best way to help their offspring is by reacting hysterically to anything the school does and regularly threatening to kick teachers’ heads in.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I found out the teachers at my son Callum’s primary school had been making the children race each other for their own sick amusement.

“They dressed the kiddies up in little shorts and made it hard for them to run by making them carry an egg on a spoon. As well as the risk of paedophiles, the eggs are full of cholesterol.

“Naturally the first thing I did was call the local paper.

“I went round to see the headmaster but he’s still off work after I punched him for confiscating Callum’s phone, just because his friends wanted to hear all the ringtones during a lesson.”

Shit parents expressed further concerns including pupils being forced to do unpaid work and putting on weight due to being made to sit down.

Parent Tom Logan said: “The teachers keep telling my kids all these terrifying stories about witches, transvestite wolves and this ravenous caterpillar that absolutely will not stop, like the fucking Terminator or something.