Entire British Empire restored

EVERY country in the former British Empire has demanded Britain resume full political control now it has proven it is great again. 

Australia, India, Canada, Egypt and South Africa, among a host of others, have all dissolved their governments in a show of awestruck admiration for the British lion’s newfound mighty roar.

Kenya’s president Uluru Kenyatta said: “We never wanted Britain to stop ruling us in the first place – why ever would we? – but you just needed to grab hold of your mojo again.

“Don’t worry about giving us voting rights or any of that nonsense. Now you are once again a proud, resurgent nation unafraid of political correctness, we have absolute trust you will act in our best interest. And the world’s.

“I step down tomorrow. Oh man, I hope we get Michael Gove as governor. That guy is the best.”

The UK now commands a fifth of the world’s population and one-quarter of its total habitable land, which is as it should be.

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Express readers outraged they can't put Remainers in wicker man for Brexit Eve

DAILY Express readers have blamed political correctness gone mad for not being allowed to burn Remainers alive in a wicker man on Brexit Eve. 

Readers of the alternate-reality newspaper cannot believe they are being denied such a simple, harmless pleasure, tonight of all nights. 

Leave voter Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve been telling all the Remoaners I know to come and be burned in the large wicker man we’ve built, but they’re not having it. 

“Not content with delaying Brexit for years when we should have had it the day after, these selfish whiners are refusing to climb the ladder and nestle in beside the petrol-soaked kindling. 

“Apparently it’s ‘against the law’ and ‘murder’. Well yes, before 11pm that’s true, but after that Brexit is the only law. I wouldn’t light it until then. I’m a stickler for rules. 

“We’ve got Morris dancers in to lead a procession gaily around it, a brass band and a live PA from Louise Redknapp, but as usual these sulky, inconsiderate children are ruining everyone’s fun. 

“The fire would keep us warm as the ‘snowpocalypse’ hits on Saturday, leaving Britain trapped under 20-foot drifts and causing planes to freeze in the sky. Which I read about in the Express.”