Man takes up rock climbing to scale new heights of twattishness

A MAN has added a whole new element of twattishness to his personality by taking up indoor rock climbing.

Recruitment consultant Nathan Muir is already a twat in many ways, but can now attempt to impress people with climbing jargon and dull anecdotes about things he has climbed. 

He said: “Not many hobbies have as much potential for twattishness as rock climbing. After just a few sessions I’m already a pretty serious bore about it.

“It’s not a useless hobby either. If I’m ever lost in the wilderness and I need to scramble up a wall with strategically placed grips next to a crash pad, I’ll be ready.

“If I start outdoor climbing I’ll be able to tell everyone about getting up absurdly early to climb a rock face they’ve never heard of. And I can bang on self-importantly about the importance of safety.

“Because it’s a full-body exercise I can feel every single part of me becoming more irritating each time I go. I’ll be a Piers Morgan-tier twat in no time.”

Climbing instructor Emma Bradford said: “Nathan’s already throwing baffling terms like ‘bouldering’ into everyday conversations. I think he may have a natural aptitude for twattishness.”

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Neighbours' recycling bins more compelling than anything on Netflix

A WOMAN has discovered her neighbours’ recycling bins are more interesting than anything on Netflix.

A nosy peek into bins during a dog walk on recycling day has left Nikki Hollis gripped by the private lives of the residents of her street.

She said: “It’s not like I hadn’t suspected Tony liked a drink, but the amount of rum and coke he’s putting away is staggering. He’s got a real problem. It’s fascinating.

“And so much for Jane next-door-but-one and all her Veganuary chat in the neighbourhood Facebook group. There was nothing but microwave spaghetti bolognaise packaging in her recycling, the hypocritical cow.”

Hollis was even more thrilled by what she described as “the mysterious ones”.  

She said: “I can’t stop trying to work out why number 43 had packaging for six hairdryers, and why 65 has loads of empty tins of dog food but no dog.”