Saturday, 4th April 2020

Does waving a little flag give you an erection?

HUMAN sexual responses are complex and affected by a wide range of stimuli. But does your penis only become tumescent by waving a tiny Union Jack or are you normal? Take our test. 

What was your first sexual experience?

A) A grope after a school disco that turned into something wonderfully more. I will never ever forget that night. I still love you, Chelsea.

B) The Silver Jubilee street party in 1977, watching the Queen on a black-and-white portable TV with a paper plate of sausage rolls in one hand and a tiny Union Jack in the other.

What makes you aroused?

A) Watching pornography. Not proud of it but everyone does it these days.

B) Normal stuff like the Red Arrows, a Spitfire flypast, an uncensored DVD of The Dam Busters.

When you are making love, you climax by thinking of: 

A) Just the usual kind of thing – my wife’s sister, my wife’s best mate, Scarlett Johansson.

B) The distraught faces of Remainers on the morning of June 24th, 2016.

Your dream sexual experience would be: 

A) A threesome with my wife’s best mate and Scarlett Johansson.

B) Being brought off by the Duchess of Cambridge wearing satin gloves as Big Ben bongs to mark Her Majesty the Queen’s 100th birthday, while waving a little paper Union Jack and shouting a Churchill speech.

Mostly As: You are within the category broadly defined as normal. But honestly you’d have more chance with Johansson than your wife’s best mate. She’s way out of your league. 

Mostly Bs: The only thing that gets you harder than a flag in your hand is a flag in each hand. Take a change of trousers to Brexit celebrations tomorrow night.