Does waving a little flag give you an erection?

HUMAN sexual responses are complex and affected by a wide range of stimuli. But does your penis only become tumescent by waving a tiny Union Jack or are you normal? Take our test. 

What was your first sexual experience?

A) A grope after a school disco that turned into something wonderfully more. I will never ever forget that night. I still love you, Chelsea.

B) The Silver Jubilee street party in 1977, watching the Queen on a black-and-white portable TV with a paper plate of sausage rolls in one hand and a tiny Union Jack in the other.

What makes you aroused?

A) Watching pornography. Not proud of it but everyone does it these days.

B) Normal stuff like the Red Arrows, a Spitfire flypast, an uncensored DVD of The Dam Busters.

When you are making love, you climax by thinking of: 

A) Just the usual kind of thing – my wife’s sister, my wife’s best mate, Scarlett Johansson.

B) The distraught faces of Remainers on the morning of June 24th, 2016.

Your dream sexual experience would be: 

A) A threesome with my wife’s best mate and Scarlett Johansson.

B) Being brought off by the Duchess of Cambridge wearing satin gloves as Big Ben bongs to mark Her Majesty the Queen’s 100th birthday, while waving a little paper Union Jack and shouting a Churchill speech.

Mostly As: You are within the category broadly defined as normal. But honestly you’d have more chance with Johansson than your wife’s best mate. She’s way out of your league. 

Mostly Bs: The only thing that gets you harder than a flag in your hand is a flag in each hand, and you take a change of trousers to the Changing of the Guard. 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Vinyl fan preparing to be a pretentious pr*ck about CDs instead

A MAN who thinks vinyl records are now too mainstream has decided to become obsessive about compact discs instead.

Tom Logan was gutted by vinyl sales reaching a record high last year as he is no longer part of an elite group who think listening to fuzzy music on giant unwieldy discs is cool.

Logan said: “If I’m honest I like being a massive snob more than I like music. So it won’t be hard for me to ditch records in favour of obsessing about a first edition of ‘Brothers In Arms’ instead.

“It’s essentially still a brittle circle in a holder with a picture on the front that sounds worse than an MP3 and takes up a lot more space, so I’m confident I can be a twat about them as well.

“I’ll bore people rigid by going on about laser tracking and sound quality. It’ll be worse than when I used to show them my anti-static brushes.

“I’ll also talk a load of sh*te about participating in the ‘wonderful ritual’ of placing the disc in the player and carefully pressing play.

“People will think I’m a real w*nker. It’s going to be great.”