How to organise a hideously middle-class pro-EU event

ARE you a Guardian reader who wants to show their support for the EU as we leave tomorrow? Here’s how to hold an event that’s embarrassingly middle class.

Treat it as a fancy dress party

Have a delightful time prancing around in blue-and-gold face paint, silly wigs and EU flags worn as capes. People are guaranteed to take you seriously if you look like an alternative hippy clown troupe from Bristol. 

Really bang on about ‘my children’s future’ 

This is annoyingly sanctimonious, as if other parents won’t be that bothered if their kids get squished by a bus tomorrow. It’s also a bit pathetic, as if you can’t just say “Brexit is a terrible idea” without invoking ‘the little ones’.

Focus on fabulous drinks and nibbles

A pro-EU gathering needn’t be a joyless affair, but somehow you’re missing the point if Brexit barely gets a mention and you just talk about bourgeois foodie issues like affordable sauvignon blancs and your brave decision to make your own gravadlax.

Be ridiculously over-the-top about how much you love the EU

The EU is fundamentally a trade organisation, albeit a progressive one. Gushing about it like a besotted 13-year-old One Direction fan is weird. You wouldn’t start putting posters of Lloyds Bank on your bedroom wall because they gave you a mortgage.

Invent a terrible pro-EU song

Get everyone singing ‘We’re Going Back to the EU Tomorrow’ to the tune of ‘We’re All Going to the Zoo Tomorrow’. It will be toe-curlingly embarrassing but Josh will love it because he can get out his guitar.


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Are you weird enough to be a 'tradwife'?

BEING a 1950s-style housewife is the latest craze amongst slightly strange women. But do you have what it takes to be a ‘tradwife’? Find out with our quiz.

Your husband comes home exhausted after a long day at work. Do you:

A) Feign a bit of sympathy. You’ve had a knackering day yourself and he’s not exactly giving out foot rubs.

B) Have a piping hot meal ready and waiting for him, with an old fashioned on standby to wash it down. He’s been at the office after all, while you’ve had a delightful day of cooking, cleaning and looking after screaming kids.

One of your female friends tells you they’re getting a divorce. Do you:

A) Reassure her she’ll be okay and offer to help in any way that you can.

B) Look at her with a sneer of disgust and never speak to her again. She’s damaged your reputation by association, the harlot.

It’s time to redecorate the kitchen. Do you:

A) Flick through the Guardian weekend supplement then just paint everything cream because you’ve got a few tins left over from when you did the bathroom.

B) Swap out all of your modern gadgets for white goods that predate the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Someone points out that the tradwife movement has alt right connections. Do you:

A) Agree, recalling that this sort of lifestyle was promoted by the Third Reich.

B) Say you don’t understand politics and it’s better to let your husband tell you what to think about this sort of thing.

A woman’s place is…

A) Wherever she wants to be.

B) Wherever she wants to be, but preferably in a house her husband owns, with a white picket fence and a Triumph Herald in the driveway.

Mostly As: Sorry, looks like you’ve been brainwashed by modern society and its progressive ideas. Start reading Woman’s Realm and take an unhealthy interest in jam-making.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations, you’ve got the skewed worldview necessary for being a tradwife. Now stop doing online quizzes and get back to the kitchen.