EU threatens to install prepayment meter

The EU had told Britain that it will install a pre-payment meter for all European services if our £1.7 billion bill is not paid in full.

The meter, which would be situated in Southampton, would pay off the debt while continuing to provide European benefits as long as it is kept topped up.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “It’s operated with a Eurocard which can be charged up over the internet or in a Londis.

“All we have to do is put some money on and we’ve got all the benefits of membership of the world’s largest single market while it slowly counts down to zero.

“And if it runs out before you get paid, if you phone and say there’s children under five in the country Herman van Rompuy will put a tenner on to get through the weekend.”

Tom Booker of Leicester said: “You always pay more for those meters, and what if I need freedom of movement across the EU when it’s my flatmate’s turn to pay and he’s spent the money on weed?

“No, we should say we’ve moved out of Britain without a forwarding address and that there’s different people living here now.”


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Investigation ordered into Gringotts Wizarding Bank

BRITAIN’S top wizarding bank may be broken up after the Ministry of Magic ordered a wide-ranging investigation into its activities.

The goblin-run institution is accused of failing to properly store hazardous materials, accepting picture ID from known shapechangers, and letting a trio of schoolchildren break into a vault and escape on a dragon.

Goblin bank manager Bill McKay said: “It’s true that we made some unwise investments in Chinese wand woods, that insuring alchemists was a mistake, and that having immortals on final-salary pensions is a massive drain.

“But our exposure to the sub-prime gryphon market is lower than estimated and our business model of storing stacks of jewels in underground tunnels is still better than anything the Muggles have come up with.”

Goblin clerk Helen Archer said: “Apparently they’re not going to let us take the gold home to sleep with anymore.

“Bollocks to this, I’m accepting that offer from Goldman Sachs. At least they’re upfront about it all being mystical mumbo-jumbo to hide that they’re ripping you off.”