THE Middle East conflict has entered its third day, and there is already a huge amount you are deliberately avoiding learning about it, including all this:
Why it’s happening
Beginning by being unsure where Iran even is, all you know is it’s bloody complicated and you’re already struggling to follow Slow Horses. Every strike on Tehran is an unwelcome reminder of how uneducated you are and that you’d rather live a life of blissful ignorance like a dog.
How it will affect you
The war in Ukraine, which you’re dimly aware rumbles on, is to blame for fuel prices going up and chocolate costing a f**king fortune. You think. The attack on Iran will likely have similar repercussions on your day-to-day life, all of which will be bad so you’d rather blot them out by eating lots of cheese.
When it will end
Do conflicts in the Middle East end? Just when they’ve simmered down, the news chucks on new images of bombed schools and you’re back to feeling sad and powerless. The latest conflict will fade into the background until the inevitable end when soldiers are pulled out because America needs to save face and money.
If it will escalate
The latest strike has something to do with nuclear weapons. Also wars tend to get worse before they get better. So the conflict in Iran could, at best, become part of World War Three or spiral into nuclear war. Neither of which sound that appealing, so you’d rather watch Instagram Reels for five hours.
How Britain is involved
Our prime minister has charted the principled course of not being involved but also being involved a bit in order to alienate the whole political spectrum. We will not join offensive action but will allow our bases to be used for defensive strikes. Classic Starmer, pleasing absolutely nobody. The man has a gift.
What Trump has to say about it
The man who feels robbed of the Nobel Peace Prize has launched an unprovoked war with Iran. Which means he’ll be giving regular, deranged updates on the situation. Having to pay attention to his rants, hoping to glean actual information? Not for you. You’d rather ignore the war entirely.
