YOUR boisterous, irrepressible dog is fun and full of character. Everyone you meet definitely feels the same way, so it’s fine to do the following:
Let him off the lead
Anyone out in a public place is thrilled to have a random dog leaping up at them and barking wildly. Parents only take their toddlers to the park in the hope of securing such a delightful animal encounter free of charge. If your dog also entertains picnicking strangers by stealing their ham sandwiches, so much the better.
Take him everywhere you go
Cafes aren’t for a relaxed catch-up with friends, which is dull. Brunch needs to be enlivened by you and your dog rocking up at the adjacent table. His incessant barking, lunges at anyone passing and rancid farts will give everyone a subject to converse on. Are those yummy mummies laughing or gagging? Laughing, obviously.
Ignore all hygiene concerns
Current dog ownership involves forgetting everything you knew about the established scientific concept of ‘germs’. Don’t worry if your pet has had a lick at the Victoria sponge you’re serving to your guests. They’ll just laugh at what a mischievous little scamp he is and definitely won’t be thinking, ‘I’m eating shitty dog arse.’
Laugh off misbehaviour as delightful
Your dog isn’t dangerous, he’s an amusingly naughty boy and has no deep-rooted psychological issues a tasty treat won’t address. Anyway, a dog who doesn’t growl and snap is like a football match without goals: boring. He was only playing. That child’s parents should stop overreacting with silly talk about stitches, police, and post-traumatic stress.
Expect friends to look after him
Don’t pay for expensive boarding kennels when you go away. They treat all dogs the same, and your dog is an individual! It will be a wonderful privilege for your friends to dogsit, which means picking up dogshit and their fitted carpet being dug up. If they’ve walked him for less than three hours it’s their fault he ate their sofa.
Put a photo of him on your Christmas cards
Christmas wouldn’t be complete for your extended family without a picture of your terrifying hound on their mantelpiece. Life’s so busy, they haven’t really had a chance to visit since you got him. This will be a lovely festive reminder of the abject fear they’re missing.
