Final section of pre-apocalypse montage filmed at 5pm today

THE final footage for a grainy, event-packed pre-apocalypse montage will be filmed at the Capitol in Washington DC at 5pm today. 

Set to a cover version of Tom Waits’s Earth Died Screaming, the accelerating montage will include news items on the melting of Antarctica, advances in artificial intelligence and the antibiotics crisis before cutting to Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The montage will then slow to normal speed for the swearing-in, and immediately following Trump’s words “and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States” will dramatically cut to black.

The screen will then display the title card “TWELVE YEARS LATER” before the opening credits play over a slow panning shot across a devastated landscape in which nothing is left alive.

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‘Fake news’ to be delightful and fun

IF FAKE news is going to be spread anyway it should be about lovely, happy, fluffy things, researchers have proved. 

The Institute for Studies has shown that real news is bad enough already, and therefore all fake news from now on must be unbelievably delightful.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If the ‘news’ on social media is just whatever bullshit anyone shares, then instead of ‘Muslims in council-backed halal Easter outrage’ why not ‘Puppies discover limitless cold fusion energy source’?

“A story we wrote about David Bowie jumping out of a cake at a butterfly farm wearing a lovely woolly jumper with ‘Tricked you!’ on it has been shared five million times already.

“It’s not true, but neither is ‘Benefits family in 12-bedroom house on £6m a year’ and ours makes you feel all gooey and warm inside.”

He added: “We’ve got ‘Trident replaced by cute ducklings’, ‘New wonder drug cures everything’ which is in the Express tomorrow, and ‘Take anything you fancy from my palaces, Queen tells Britons’.

“Oh, and Brexit. Surprisingly, there’s a real audience for fake news that’s just outrageously positive about Brexit.”