Flame-throwing mutant guitarist from Mad Max turns down Trump inauguration

THE mutant guitarist from Mad Max: Fury Road has become the latest musician to reject an offer to perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The Doof Warrior has said that despite a huge cash offer from the Republican Party he just didn’t see how he could morally do it.

He said: “Being part of Immortan Joe’s road militia could be seen as quite a right-wing thing to do for any musician, but I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

“I’d rather continue to prowl the desert wasteland, looking for vulnerable travellers to run off the road with our weaponised vehicles as part of a desperate struggle to survive.

“Which is what you will be doing in a few years’ time.”

A Trump insider said: “We are thinking about putting up a sign that says ‘X Factor auditions this way..’ and when the hopeful singers walk out on stage they’ll be singing at the inauguration. That could be seen as underhanded, which it is and you’d better get used to it.

“Either that or we’ll just get Metallica.”

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New housemate excited to reveal own personal brand of lunacy

A WOMAN who managed to act normal during a 20-minute interview for a room in a shared house cannot wait to reveal how insane she is.

Emma Bradshaw, 28, appeared rational, polite and friendly when she met her new household, even though she was already plotting all the crazed things she would do as soon as she moved in.

Bradshaw said: “I was chucked out of my last flat for being a fucking nightmare, but there was no way this new bunch of housemates could know that.

“It was easy for me to pretend I’m a sweet-natured, tidy and considerate person, whilst secretly eyeing up the kitchen to see which pans would be best for preparing my Wiccan herb remedies.”

She added: “I told them how I love to socialise at the weekends, but am respectful of other people’s need for quiet time. They’ll soon realise I was talking out of my arse when I turn up with my bongos and collection of noisecore music.

“Communal living is wonderful. But only if you’re incredibly selfish and a bit ‘mad’, like me.”